I know as regular readers your skin has become thick to the vast weirdness of the world that we talk about here at Keep Your Coins, I Want Change but this two story is enough to make you smash your head on the side of your desk hoping that the resulting brain damage will be less harming than what I offer you today.
Are you prepared? Barf bucket and whiskey ready?
According to MyDNAFragrance.com, they have managed to develop and launch a perfume — from the late King of Pop’s DNA using samples from his hair.
The company, who claim to engineer scents from human genetic codes have recently teamed up with one of the worlds largest collectors of historical and celebrity hair, John Rezikoff, who has given some of Michael Jackson’s hair to the DNA company, so they can manufacture a perfume from the scent of his hair.
A statement released by the company suggest that the perfume that they manufacture is good for the skin, has no alcohol and uses Aloe Vera, so it does not evaporate.
“DNA can be extracted from hair shafts with or without the follicle intact. My DNA Fragrance has analysed Reznikoff’s private collection of celebrity hair and is now engineering exclusive fragrances of each celebrity.”
I know Kittens. I pissed Jesus Juice all over myself when I read it as well.
Even creepier than the story about MJ’s hair spray, here is what the makers have to say about it.
“M is an exclusive one-of-a-kind fragrance that explodes into an indescribable fragrance, which seemly draws the attention of every person in the room. It is composed of the lightest, but most volatile essences. Much like the performer himself, this cologne is unique and like no other cologne in the world. We guarantee it.
M is engineered from the DNA genetic code of the King of Pop, Michael Jackson.
3 oz. Men’s Cologne”
John Rezikoff must surely be so fucked up he could make Joe Jackson appear to be sane.
If smelling like a dead kid fucker isn’t your cup of tea or isn’t enough to satisfy your lust to stink of a dead famous persons noggin John Rezikoff has the worlds largest collection of dead peoples hair. For $59.99 you can go on their website and smell like Albert Einstein, Joan Crawford, Elvis, Katherine Hepburn, Fred Astaire, Marilyn Monroe, JFK, Abe Lincoln, Babe Ruth, Marie Antoinette, Henry IV, Geronimo, Richard Nixon, General Custer or Stymie from The Little Rascals to name a few and no Kittens, I am NOT making this shit up. They even have a Twitter page so you can receive updates.
Thankfully your $59.99 doesn’t just get you the cologne, if you are at a dinner arty and asks you why you smell like dusty old Katherine Hepburns rotting scalp it also comes with a Registered Certificate of Authenticity just in case your hosts don’t believe you. Or throw up their quiche all over their dining room. You know, whichever comes first.
Maybe MJ’s hair spray doesn’t appeal to you because you remember that Jacko didn’t exactly have great luck when it came to hair, or smelling like Nixon isn’t the mojo that you were hoping for when it comes to getting with the ladies, then no worries Kittens, My DNA Fragrances has perfect and equally bat shit insane solution. They will use YOUR DNA and make you a custom blend of your own personal hair spray so you can smell more like…..you.
“Men’s Exclusive
As a man you are a leader and your individuality says who you are, from the clothes you wear to the car you drive. Now you can wear a fragrance that announces who you are. Its not a formulation to convince you that you are somebody because it has someone else’s name on it. It is a fragrance engineered by your genealogy, your genetic code. This fragrance is yours because it’s you. My DNA Fragrance Exclusive for Men.”
“Women’s Exclusive
As a woman this fragrance says I am. This is me. I no longer wear hand me downs. My genetic code is created from my heritage. I am connected to kings and queens. I dictate what is good for me. It is the history of my soul that announces who I am through My DNA Fragrance. I am exclusive.”
There really isn’t much more you can say is there Kittens?
Except for possibly that today is November 30th 2009 and my “Shit you just can’t make up and really wish you never knew because it’s just so fucked up” file has officially exploded and will hopefully never be the same again.
Kittens today I am in an uncharacteristically good mood. I have no idea why. The streetcar ride into work today was a terrifying ordeal with some grifting business criminal texting their ambient thoughts away on Twitter while resting their Blackberry on my head, the local coffee shop has found a brand new abomination by not only not being able to just make me a black coffee but they have also raised their prices and made me the worst black coffee ever produced by human mammals, and I have tripped over my untied shoelaces at least thirty times today already.
Despite all signs pointing to an terrible day my mood remains fairly peaceful and optimistic. With that in mind my Kittens today we shall be discussing the blissfully cheerful topic of why people are and will always be adorably fucking horrible, rotten and infected.
Kittens for those of you wise enough to read yesterdays Mailbag article that featured the feel good story about Peruvian gangs murdering people for their body fat so it could be used for cosmetics, you may have thought that was the worst that mankind could offer. I suppose that depends on your perspective of what it is to be horrible, so in order to truly grasp the magnitude of mankind’s daily abominations I offer you a few samples from the news today so that we may have a full buffet of societies atrocities.
It looked like a generous gesture from a sometimes greedy music industry.
The album by The Soldiers, a group made up of three serving members of the Armed Forces, was advertised as donating part of its proceeds to military charities.
But last night the record company behind the trio was facing a backlash after it emerged that as little as 3 per cent of the price of each CD goes to charity.
Proceeds from the record have been intended to support the Army Benevolent Fund, Help For Heroes and The Royal British Legion.
The album, Coming Home, is sung by Lance Corporal Ryan Idzi, Sergeant Richie Maddocks and Sergeant Major Gary Chilton
It has been selling for £8.99 at HMV and with online store Amazon at £8.68.
It was released on October 26 on Rhino Records, a subsidiary of major international label Warner Music Group, and has already gone platinum with sales of 300,000.
But a spokesman for the group has admitted that only 25p from each copy – which is made up of cover versions – is going to the good causes.
This is pointed out clearly on the back of the CD. The figure means each charity is receiving only 8p per CD sold.
How about that then Kittens? Some singing soldiers get together and make a best selling album so that they can give some money to charity and guess what happens. The record company gives a tiny wee portion to charity and keeps the rest of the profits. Go figure.
We all know that the world houses some truly horrible people. I personally believe it to be a prison colony. The worst that the universe ever created was dumped here on earth to fight it out amongst ourselves until there is nothing left. I can’t prove this belief, but you can’t disprove it either.
We have cannibals, arsonists, murderers, thieves, bankers, rapists, clergy, wife beaters, insurance salesmen, genocide, Oprah, drug dealers, head hunters, war criminals, lawyers, politicians, torture, biological warfare, serial killers and Cirque du Soliel.
Should it be any great surprise that we can add massive corporate record companies to that list?
Record companies are in the business of fucking people over. They pay their artists as little as possible and charge as much as the public is willing to pay for their product. This isn’t anything new, just ask folks like Little Richard and Chuck Berry how it works. They will be happy to tell you.
It works though because there will always be people who want to be stars, and a public that wants to buy and listen to music. Music and all other forms of entertainment and distraction are just another drug like crack and the companies are the dealers.
They aren’t in the business of charity so it is no surprise that they sold a product marketed as charity and gave very little of the profits away. Their books are sealed and don’t owe anyone an explanation. If people want to convince themselves that they are giving to charity then they should give money to charity and not buy a product that claims to be associated with it. That is consumerism, not altruism. Charity and selflessness isn’t a brand and it doesn’t come with a t-shirt telling the world that you gave money away. Selling a product by telling people that it is helping others is sickening. Buying one believing that you are helping others is just as bad.
Now then Kittens while we are on the topic of charity and fucking people over, you may enjoy this lovely little tale.
The Honourable Jonathan Davies, 65, plundered £1.6million from the fund set up by his philanthropist grandfather, spending the cash on personal luxuries and a failed business venture.
The charity, which helped a host of causes including caring for Bosnian war orphans, has collapsed because of his dishonesty.
Father-of-six Davies, who was educated at Eton and Oxford, spent the money on his daughter’s school fees, gifts to family members, credit card bills, golf and fine wine, and tax and utility bills.
Davies is bankrupt and will not have to pay back a penny.
He is the son of the second Baron Davies of Llandinam and is married to the daughter of the late Sir William Godfrey Agnew, clerk of the Privy Council and a friend of the Queen. Davies’s older brother David is the third Baron
Kittens it is one thing for a corporation with employees employ and share holders to make money for to sell a product to people stupid enough to believe that they are going to give some of the money to charity rather than just going to a Legion and writing them a cheque, but it takes a true douche bag to steal money from orphans. Orphans from a war torn country. Then be freed from jail.
The moral of this story my Kittens is that if you hadn’t already gotten the Tweet regarding rich aristocrats, they aren’t big fans of poor people. They also most certainly aren’t exactly in touch with the common man and if you are The Honourable Jonathan Davies (I just threw up all over myself typing that) then you surely don’t mind literally taking the food out of orphans mouths, and going to a store to buy yourself some new golf clubs to show off at your private country club.
The only thing this man didn’t do (or at least as far as we know) was to use some of the stolen orphan money and buy some of the Peruvian human fat cream to wank into his aristocratic sausage so it would look younger for when we went on sex tourism trips to Cambodia with Gary Glitter and Roman Polanski. Or at the very least eat some of the actual orphans so he would have a more youthful glow and impress Mrs Honourable Davies with his everlasting orphan enriched wonder boner.
Now then Kittens we know that corporations and aristocrats are horrible people, but what about the people who we actually think we can trust and universally believe are doing good things?
Shelter’s president, chief veterinarian and three others face criminal charges after Globe and Mail investigation uncovered widespread problems; board of directors also charged with provincial offence of cruelty to animals
The Toronto Humane Society’s president and chief veterinarian are facing criminal charges of animal cruelty for running a dysfunctional shelter where animals were allegedly denied food and water and left to die suffering in their cages.
The charges against volunteer president Tim Trow, veterinarian Steve Sheridan and three other senior officials came six months after a Globe and Mail investigation uncovered widespread allegations of problems at the River Street facility.
Toronto police officers and agents from the Ontario Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals swooped in Thursday afternoon to execute a search warrant and lead five handcuffed men out of a shelter that the OSPCA’s lawyer derided as “disease-infested.”
“These are animals who are just left to die in their cages,” Christopher Avery, a lawyer for the OSPCA, said during the raid. “They’re found dozens at a time, dead in [a] cage, every morning in this building. Dying from cancer, suffocating based on phlegm, these are animals who are starving to death, literally.”
I think the man pictured, Tim Trow who is the Humane Society President actually ate some of the animals. Look at the size of that fucker!!
How does he wipe his ass? Oh wait, I know!!
Is there anything more fucked up than an animal rescue charity allowing animals wallow in despair, pain and disease in their own filth before they die or starvation?
Mass. man pleads not guilty to assault, reckless endangerment of a child
FALL RIVER, Mass. – A man locked his two young sons in the trunk of his car while he ran an errand, Massachusetts police said.
Fall River police allege Michael Monahan put his kids, ages 3 and 6, in the trunk of his Pontiac Trans Am for several minutes Tuesday morning while he went inside a sailing shop.
According to court records, Monahan told investigators the boys like to play in the trunk.
The 35-year-old Monahan pleaded not guilty Wednesday to assault and reckless endangerment of a child. He was released on cash bail.
A broadcast from WPRI-TV showed Monahan’s attorney telling a judge that his client loves his children.
The children are in the custody of their mother.
Kittens by the time I read the very first sentence I fucking KNEW it was going to be a Trans Am, I swear.
I have to confess though, I never would have put Trans Am and sailing together.
It probably goes without saying that this man should never own pets. It also doesn’t really need to much editorial regarding the fact that he should also never be allowed to own and operate a Trans Am (or any vehicle, not even a wheelbarrow), a sailing or any kind of boat and especially children.
During the hot summer months there are always loads of public service commercials for those of you who aren’t clever enough to understand that locking your dog in a car is a bad idea because they tend to die.
Notice how alcohol wasn’t a factor in his decision making? He did this this stone cold sober.
The terrifying thing about this horrible person is that he owns a car. He also owns some kids, probably a house, has a job in which somebody depends on him and his decision making and also VOTES.
Is there a limit to the sick fucking horrible things that people will do to children.
A 16-year-old Sudanese girl was lashed 50 times after a judge ruled her knee-length skirt was indecent, her family said today.
The mother of Christian teenager Silva Kashif said she is to sue police and the judge who imposed the sentence under Islamic shariah law.
Saying she only learned about her daughter’s conviction after she had been lashed, mother Jenty Doro said the family’s religion should have been taken into account.
Kashif, whose family comes from the south Sudanese town of Yambio, was arrested while walking to the market near her home in the Khartoum suburb of Kalatla last week, Doro told Reuters.
‘She is just a young girl but the policeman pulled her along in the market like she was a criminal. It was wrong,’ said Doro.
Doro said Khashif was taken to Kalatla court where she was convicted and punished by a female police officer in front of the judge.
‘I only heard about it after she was lashed. Later we all sat and cried … People have different religions and that should be taken into account’ she said.
‘She was wearing a normal skirt and blouse, worn by thousands of girls. They didn’t contact a guardian and punished her on the spot.’
Think about that one the next time your boss tells you that wearing a Twister Sister t-shirt isn’t appropriate on casual Fridays Kittens.
Better yet, think about the next time you say something stupid like “we have too many rights and freedoms of speech” and remember what happens when they are slowly eroded over time, one tiny piece at a time.
Now that you have let that sink in, really try to stretch that imagination of yours and consider what happens when religion and government aren’t just good friends, but the same thing.
Isn’t intolerance fun Kittens? Especially when it is that age old gem, RELIGIOUS intolerance. It’s that fun little pass time that brought us such fun philosophical debates such as the Crusades, the Arab-Israeli wars, The Spanish Inquisition and September 11.
As an atheist I’ve never been a big fan of religion. I don’t have any problem with people who choose to worship and would never deny their right to believe whatever they wish, but I am not a great admirer of the people who think that they should be the ones doing the preaching and administering their gods will. This is mostly because they sure wouldn’t know what their god wanted because the words in the books they believe tend to be rather contradictory and the preaching that they charge their flock for is always nothing but self serving.
Religion doesn’t serve man, it serves men. The men who claim it as theirs and theirs only to dispense.
Here in the west religion is usually only slightly pesky. You know, we are just censored because of it, fight in wars over it, have it presumed to true so it is scrawled on our money, part of our national anthems and inflicted on us as religious holidays and in the case of America they execute criminals over it. All and all, no big deal.
It’s a horrible thing when religion and government are the same thing and can dictate that a 16 YEAR OLD CHILD can be whipped without any appeal for what she chooses to cloth herself with because of her opposing beliefs.
It almost makes you wonder what could possibly be more horrible than whipping a person who breaks a law. Oh wait, I know….
Man dies after Russian police beating
Moscow – A Russian police officer beat a man to death in Saint Petersburg, authorities said Thursday, amid a growing public concern over abuse of power and corruption among the country’s law enforcers.
The investigative committee of the prosecutor general’s office said in a statement that it was investigating the death of a man who died earlier this month after a policeman “kicked him in the stomach multiple times.”
After the victim was released from a police station, he sought medical help and was placed in hospital, where he died from the inflicted injuries,” the statement said.
The statement was the second official announcement of a death at the hands of police this week.
Kittens, I’ve said it a million times. They aren’t called pigs because they’re good at finding truffles.
The second “official” announcement of cops beating a person to DEATH in one week? Jesus it isn’t even Saturday yet, not even in Russia!
How many unofficial beatings that didn’t result in death have there been this week?
The problem with law enforcement and why those who choose to participate in it is because it is called “law enforcement” and not “law encouragement.”
If the people doing the enforcing cared about the law they wouldn’t be doing any enforced but plenty of law making. For that reason they love the enforcement part of law enforcement and not the actual law bits.
It isn’t like the folks who do all of that icky legal things are exactly innocent though Kittens.
Think of something horrible. Really horrible. Say for example, oh gee I dunno, a serial killer. Serial killers are almost as horrible as it gets. Let’s read a little diamond about the law here in our humble little nation and a particularly cranky serial killer and decide how horrible we all are.
VANCOUVER — The Supreme Court of Canada decided Thursday to allow the defence to argue a broader appeal next year for serial killer Robert (Willie) Pickton.
The court gave no reasons for its decision but Gil McKinnon, one of the lawyers handling Pickton’s appeal, said he applied for leave to appeal broader issues than those arising from the 2-1 decision of the B.C. Court of Appeal.
The ruling allows the defence to raise several issues: whether the trial judge erred in not clarifying a jury question before answering, whether the judge erred in his response to the jury question, whether the trial judge erred by allowing similar fact evidence, and whether the judge properly charged the jury on the co-principle conspiracy.
Ernie Crey, the brother of Dawn Crey — one of the 20 other women Pickton is charged with killing, said Thursday he’s not surprised by the latest development, but fears the prospect of Pickton’s murder convictions being overturned.
The Crown theory at trial is that Pickton acted alone and killed a number of women on his Port Coquitlam, B.C., farm, where he often butchered pigs at night.
During the jury’s verdict deliberations, it asked the judge about whether Pickton “indirectly” took part in one or more of the six murders. Justice James Williams told the jury: “It is not necessary for you to find that Mr. Pickton acted alone in order to find him guilty of the offence. It is sufficient if you are satisfied beyond a reasonable doubt having considered all the evidence that he actively participated. It is not sufficient that he was merely present or took a minor role.”
There you have it Kittens. If you are ever wondering what to do on the weekend and either own or have access to a pig farm where you live like a dirty psychotic madman, feel free to kill off 20 hookers, chop them up and feed them to your pigs.
Sure it’ll suck once you get greedy and try to kill a few more to satisfy your insatiable blood lust and are caught, but then all you have to do is make sure you are tried by an incompetent crown attorney (easily done), have a slightly less incompetent defense attorney (again, easily done) and then follow through with a few appeals based on technicalities.
Sure the mountain of corpses might look bad but on the bright side the Supreme Court will agree with you and then not even tell the victims families WHY THEY FUCKING AGREE WITH YOU ARE JUSTIFY THEIR DECISIONS.
You know, justify kind of like….oh…gee…..justice?
It really can’t get more horrible can it Kittens? We now know that all of humankind is truly horrible, but surely it just can’t get any fucking worse can it? What is worse than being a serial killer who after being convicted even has the balls to appeal and drag the victims families through more pain and suffering while the Supreme Court agrees with you and lets you?
How can anything possibly be even more horrible than that?
A Russian cannibal who killed and ate parts of his own mother has had his prison sentence reduced by nine months after a court accepted he resorted to cannibalism out of hunger rather than preference.
Sergei Gavrilov admitted he had used parts of his murdered mother’s legs to make soup and pasta for weeks on end. But he argued he was driven to the desperate act because he had ran out of money and was starving.
“I did not like the flesh,” he told investigators. “It was too fatty.”
A court in southern Russia accepted his explanation and ruled that the unemployed 27 year-old had therefore not wantonly defiled his mother’s own corpse. It did find him guilty of murder, however, and sentenced him to fourteen years and three months in prison, according to Russian news agency Interfax.
That is nine months less than the standard 15-year sentence for such a crime. Mr Gavrilov got off more lightly because of his confession and because the judge believed he had turned to cannibalism out of hunger rather than preference.
Mr Gavrilov said he had killed his 55 year-old mother Lyubov last January after she refused to hand over her pension. He wanted to spend the money on a drinking and gambling binge.
Angered by her refusal, he hit her on the head with a brick and strangled her with an electric cord before dumping her lifeless body on the balcony.
It was only two weeks later after he had spent all her money that he discovered that her body had frozen on the balcony and decided to begin slicing bits of flesh from her legs to keep his hunger pangs at bay.
There you have it Kittens. What else is there to say?
A man gets a whopping 14 years in jail for killing his mother, leaving her for a few weeks while he goes drinking, fucking eats her with some pasta and then has his sentence reduced because he says he was hungry and didn’t much like the taste of the old broad.
The court never asked him why he didn’t just pawn a few things around the house to pay for food, or at the very least go rummaging around a dumpster outside of a grocery store, or even if he was so damned hungry and poor, how is it he even had pasta lying around and didn’t just have it without human meat?
Horrible. We’re all horrible.
We complain about things we can’t change like the weather or a sports team and when we read or see things like these very true stories and we actually can change things by saying loudly “okay enough is fucking enough” we don’t. We just read them and say “golly, that certainly is horrible isn’t it?”
We’re all horrible Kittens. Horrible to the core.
We’re even more horrible than the worst of the people we lock up or in some cases set free because we accept the horribleness of it all.
There really can’t be anything worse than being a cannibal serial killer can there? It’s impossible. It is the lowest depths mankind has ever sunk.
It wouldn’t even matter how or why a person murdered and ate somebody. There is no greater taboo.
Even us SMOKERS aren’t worse than cannibal serial killers right Kittens?
Look who it is Kittens!!! Darwin, the Keep Your Coins, I Want Change mailbag mule is here!!!
We all know what that means don’t we? It’s time for a long overdue installment of the fan favorite KYC mailbag!!
I must first apologize to you Kittens, as well to Darwin the mule. Several weeks and even recently re-settling has made it hard for your mail to find me, it isn’t that I don’t love answering your praise filled letters. So, with that let’s jump right in to the top of the pile and see what we have shall we?
Hey you Bastard Ass Clown,
My Mom came home drunk again last night and the guy she was with told me there was no Santa. Is this true or was that bitches latest man-whore bullshitting me?
Jimmy, Age 9 Toronto Canada
Geez Jimmy, I wish I didn’t have to be the one to tell you this but your whore mothers trick was right. Santa doesn’t exist. Well, that is only partially true. He doesn’t exist in the way that you know him. He isn’t a nice fat old jolly man that lives with Mrs Claus at the North Pole with some elf slaves who brings you toys. The toys you get at Christmas are the ones that your mother gets from charities and shoplifts.
The real Santa is a defrocked Catholic priest who lives under your bed who eats house pets and loves the taste of your nightmares. This is the real Santa.
While we are at it Jimmy, since you are going to find these things out eventually anyways, there is also no god, Tooth Fairy, Easter Bunny, Jesus, Bigfoot, Loch Ness Monster, Han Solo, Hannah Montana or ice cream man without a criminal record.
I suggest you prepare yourself now for a life of sadness that is nothing more than one protracted kick in the balls after another as you realize that all of the beliefs that you hoped were true like justice for all are nothing more than packs of lies that other cheap swindlers besides your mother have told you to make behave yourself.
Well that was fun wasn’t it Kittens? Let’s keep going shall we?
Hey Dumbass,
Is Adam Lambert really gay and if so, do you think I have a chance?
Ben-Ben, Lansing Michigan
Hmmm….geez Ben-Ben until you asked I had no idea who Adam Lambert even is. I had to Google him. He does in fact seem very gay and in some deep trouble for trying to bum his band mate on live America television though. This seems odd to me since I am neither gay nor American and therefor thankfully have no idea who he is, that America who are celebrating their Thanksgiving today are upset about this considering they will be spending the day watching American football which is truly the gayest sport ever created. Grown men in tight capri pants and shoulder pads playing a game with rules like “unnecessary roughness”? “Ooooohh….that was rough, and unnecessary.” Gay.
I’m not sure if you have a shot with him Ben-Ben but he seems gayer than a Mazda Miata so I suggest you pack your bag(s) and go find yourself some gay love.
We never cease to learn new things here at Keep Your Coins Kittens. I had no idea who Adam Lambert was, or that he was gay. Humpf. Now I can go back to not caring at all about television.
On to the next letter then.
Hey Big Daddy,
So what do you think about Roman Polanski being set free in Switzerland on bail?
Tickles the Touchy Clown, Location Withheld
Interesting question Tickles and may I say “ewwwwwwww.”
I must Tickles that the idea of letting a man who pleaded guilty having all sort of sex with a 13 year old girl against her will, was convicted of it and then ran away out of jail so he can sit around in a Swiss Chalet sipping brandy and watching DVD’s of his own movies with his friends doesn’t exactly seem like justice to me. Actually, it sounds like what happens when rich famous people go to jail. They usually get out.
He is under house arrest in Switzerland in his chalet. That isn’t arrest, that is a very nice vacation for the rest of us. He can still ski over to his local pub, buy some lovely Swiss cheese to fondue and will be surrounded by people bring him lots and lots of fresh 13 year old Swiss girls for his amusement. He has the money and means to escape if he wants, which he may or may not do because now that he is free to watch Swiss mud wrestling on a gigantic television in his home he will probably fight extradition until he dies. In Switzerland. In a chalet. On the Alps.
That isn’t exactly what I would call justice Tickles, and I assume if (when) you are arrested for a similar crime you will have a much harder time trying to find a judge to let you out of jail so you can go skiing while you prepare your case.
Now that I need a shower, let’s read a few more letters Kittens.
Hey Dickhead,
What are you doing right now?
Frieda, San Diego California
Hey Frieda, thanks for caring. Right now I am replying to the flood of letters that we get here at the Might Keep Your Coins, I Want Change towers whilst listening to a good bit of music and pondering life.
Mostly though I am replying to the letters, thinking a few pints later on and listening to music since pondering life doesn’t take all that much ponder but just some planning about spending some many years an Atlantic ocean away far from here.
Oooooh….this looks like an interesting question. Let’s give this one a read Kittens.
Hey Douche.
You read a lot of newspapers every day. Which one is the worst?
Bernie, Bangor Maine
Bernie that is a good question because the media today just plain flat out sucks goat balls. I do have a few particularly hated ones but in all honesty just about every major news publication routinely bypasses real interesting news stories and instead reports on what celebrity is waving their crotch at a camerma these days.
It wasn’t in their opinion section, or even in an editorial. it is in their fucking news section.
This, is news.
A commercial. Off the air.
Jesus tap dancing Christ.
Alrighty Kittens. Now that I have removed some of the letters that seem to contain either dead rat bits, some sort of ticking devices and anything addressed from a person with the stalkerrific catchy net handle WWGMD, let’s continue shall we?
Dearest Loser.
This isn’t a question. I just want you to know that your mother is a dirty poor gypsy that lives on welfare row.
Name an location withheld
Ummm….yeah….thanks. I’ve been hearing quite a bit of that lately. Go figure. People are ust fucked I guess.
Okay then Kittens. We have time for one more…
Hey Big Daddy.
So what’s the most fucked up thing you’ve read lately anyways?
Brent. Ontario Canada.
Funny you should ask Ron. Aside from the stuff about my mother being a dirty poor gypsy that lives on welfare row (which you don’t have to just read, some people are kind enough to say it to your face) I would have to say something I read this very morning about a gang in Peru murdering some folks not for their healthy hearts, livers and kidneys so sick rich bastards (not Roman Polanski…I think) can use them for transplants like Steve Jobs, but for their FAT.
From The New York Times
Peru’s Police Say Gang Drained Victims’ Fat
LIMA, Peru (AP) — A gang in the remote Peruvian jungle has been killing people for their fat, the police said Thursday, accusing the gang’s members of draining fat from bodies and selling it on the black market for use in cosmetics.
Medical experts expressed skepticism, however, that a major market for fat might exist.
Three suspects have confessed to killing five people for their fat, said Col. Jorge Mejía, chief of Peru’s anti-kidnapping police. He said the suspects, two of whom were arrested carrying bottles of liquid fat, told the police it was worth $60,000 a gallon.
Colonel Mejía said the suspects had told the police that the fat had been sold to intermediaries in Lima, the capital. While police officials suspect that the fat was sold to cosmetic companies in Europe, he said he could not confirm any sales.
Several medical experts acknowledged that fat had cosmetic uses, but they also said they doubted that there was an international black market for human fat. Dr. Lisa M. Donofrio, a Yale University dermatology professor, speculated that a small market might exist for “human fat extracts” to keep skin supple, though she added that scientists considered such treatments “pure baloney.”
At a news conference, the police showed reporters two bottles of fat recovered from the suspects and a photo of the rotting head of a 27-year-old man. One of the suspects, Elmer Segundo Castillejos, helped police officers recover the head in a coca-growing valley last month, Colonel Mejía said.
Colonel Mejía said Mr. Castillejos had told officers that the gang would cut off its victims’ heads, arms and legs, remove the organs, and then suspend the torsos from hooks above candles that warmed the flesh as the fat dripped into tubs below.
Six members of the gang remain at large, he said, adding that in addition to the five killings to which the suspects had confessed, the gang might have been involved in dozens of others. Mr. Castillejos told the police that the band’s fugitive leader, Hilario Cudena, had been killing people to extract fat for more than three decades.
At least 60 people are listed as missing this year in Huanuco Province, where the gang is believed to have operated. The province is also home to drug-trafficking leftist rebels.
Colonel Mejía said the police had received a tip four months ago that human fat from the jungle was being sold in Lima. In August, he said, police officers infiltrated the gang and later obtained some of the amber fluid, which a police lab confirmed as human fat.
The police arrested Serapio Marcos Veramendi and Enedina Estela on Nov. 3 in a Lima bus station with a quart of human fat in a soda bottle, he said. Their testimony led to the arrest of Mr. Castillejos three days later at the same bus station.
All three are charged with homicide, criminal conspiracy, illegal firearms possession and drug trafficking, according to a statement from Lima Superior Court.
There you have it Brent and the rest of my Kittens.
Murdering people so their fat can be used on withering old peoples faces to look younger.
Just when you thought you had heard the worst of what humanity has to offer up, and I’m not talking about the gypsy crack, you have people who are willing to kill for fat, and others willing to pay for it.
I suppose the only question is, why poor Peruvians?
Have you seen Americans lately? They’re fucking gigantic!!
Massive hulking leviathans of redundant protoplasm wandering around malls stuffing icing sugared sausage waffle sandwiches into their faces with one hand and a super sized soda in the other.
Poor Peruvians aren’t chunky. Sure they are poor, live in a foreign land that nobody really cares about so when they disappear it isn’t really a big deal, but really, why them?
You’d have to squeeze plenty poor Peruvians to get the same amount of human fat out of just one average American.
Hell, today is their Thanksgiving and they are celebrating the genocide of their natives by stuffing food into more food and sitting on the couch? These killers should go to America and kill off a few of these pricks for their fat.
I have to admit it Kittens, whenever Americans kill each other, I don’t mind very much. Actually I am usually slightly relieved. You now, just one or two of them less to annoy me. I don’t own stock in any of their fast food restaurants so I don’t feel the pain of losing a customer or anything like that.
My suggestion to the gang who has been killing these people is to do exactly what Roman Polanski did. Make bail and find somebody to chew your ankle bracelt off. Then really freak Lou Dobbs out and make your way to America so you can find a nice squishy American family sitting down to their Thanksgiving day feast….and kill them so you can steal their fat.
You will get a lot of it so bring plenty of buckets, and that is just what you will find hanging off of Mom and Dads necks. They might squeal a little bit when you are getting them out of their casings but it will be worth it. Just be prepared for the smell because unlike the stereotype they do not smell at all like wet dog but more like deep fried bacon dipped in gravy and light beer.
Please however be sure to sell it to the greediest, sickest most impossibly vain horrifying humans ever who actually think that rubbing human ass fat on their faces makes them more attractive and appealing. You may be pleasantly surprised to know that you will never run out of customers because just like fat Americans, people will always be horrible and will stop at nothing to look like something they are not.
There you have it Kittens. I thought it would be nice to end todays Mailbag on a nice uplifting story for a change.
Have a lovely day and Jimmy, check under your bed tonight. Mommy isn’t coming home till late and Santa is hungry for your tears.
The Missus “Uh…we’ve been over this. You’re white.”
Me “I am NOT white.”
The Missus “You are white.”
Me “No, I am not white.”
The Missus “You are white. I am white. The kids are white. We’re all white.”
Me “I am NOT white.”
The Missus “We both have blue eyes, white skin, two white kids. We’re white.”
Me “I am NOT white.”
The Missus “You’re British.”
Me “So?”
The Missus “You’re white. You are what happens when white meets bread. You are white.”
Me “I am NOT white. I don’t like hockey, I don’t try to dance, I don’t go to The Hard Rock Cafe, hang out in food courts, I don’t watch Oprah, I don’t swim, fish or hunt, own a small yappy dog or listen to Steely Dan. I don’t drive a Volvo, have any vanilla scented candles, go to yoga, wear Dockers or even vote. I am NOT white.”
The Missus “Cracker.”
Me “Really? Okay so if I am white then why don’t we have any U2 albums?”
The Missus “That has nothing to do with being white, that is just good taste and common sense.”
Me “I am NOT white. White people do weird things and their houses smell different. Like why do white people ski or bobsled? Have you ever seen me put mayonnaise on french fries or grow a ponytail? I don’t own a fanny pack, golf and we do not microwave Uncle Bens rice. I am NOT white.”
The Missus “Look in the mirror Whitey. That is a honky staring back at you.”
Me “That proves nothing. I don’t go kayaking and never watched Everybody Loves Raymond.”
The Missus “You built an Ikea cabinet last weekend. It doesn’t get much whiter than that.”
Me “Okay I will concede the Ikea and spraying Febreeze and I will even volunteer that I secretly occasionally enjoy Robbie Williams, but that doesn’t make me white. White people do stupid shit. See?”
Shear lunacy: No beating about the bush for gardener who trimmed his privet hedge… with a ride-on lawnmower and a crane
We pride ourselves on taking our gardening seriously here in Britain – but one New Zealand gardener has raised matters to a new level.
There was no struggling with the shears and a ladder for the mysterious horticulturalist as he worked to trim his two-metre high privet hedge.
Instead, he went straight for the kill with a ride-on lawnmower hoisted into the air by a crane.
The man was spotted during his mid-air feat by a bemused passer-by in Cambridge, New Zealand earlier this month.
Bart Dinger managed to snap the pictures of the perilous pruning manoeuvre.
‘I couldn’t work out why cars were slowing down until I caught sight of the crane,’ he explained
The Missus “That doesn’t count. He was from New Zealand. They’re nuts.”
Me “True, but how about this?”
Climate change fears spark ‘new nuclear age’
Even some green groups now see power source as ‘part of the answer’
LONDON – Nuclear power — long considered environmentally hazardous — is emerging as perhaps the world’s most unlikely weapon against climate change, with the backing of even some green activists who once campaigned against it.
It has been 13 years since the last new nuclear power plant opened in the United States. But around the world, nations under pressure to reduce the production of climate-warming gases are turning to low-emission nuclear energy as never before. The Obama administration and leading Democrats, in an effort to win greater support for climate change legislation, are eyeing federal tax incentives and loan guarantees to fund a new crop of nuclear power plants across the United States that could eventually help drive down carbon emissions.
From China to Brazil, 53 plants are now under construction worldwide, with Poland, the United Arab Emirates and Indonesia seeking to build their first reactors, according to global watchdog groups and industry associations. The number of plants being built is double the total of just five years ago.
Me “And now, that they are finally getting it, let’s take a peek at white those same people who are finally beginnng to understand have accomplished by fighting against this for so many years and the damage that THEY could have prevented in the first place.”
Climate ‘is a major cause’ of conflict in Africa
Climate has been a major driver of armed conflict in Africa, research shows – and future warming is likely to increase the number of deaths from war.
US researchers found that across the continent, conflict was about 50% more likely in unusually warm years.
Writing in Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences (PNAS), they suggest strife arises when the food supply is scarce in warm conditions.
Climatic factors have been cited as a reason for several recent conflicts.
One is the fighting in Darfur in Sudan that according to UN figures has killed 200,000 people and forced two million more from their homes.
Previous research has shown an association between lack of rain and conflict, but this is thought to be the first clear evidence of a temperature link.
The researchers used databases of temperatures across sub-Saharan Africa for the period between 1981 and 2002, and looked for correlations between above average warmth and civil conflict in the same country that left at least 1,000 people dead.
Warm years increased the likelihood of conflict by about 50% – and food seems to be the reason why.
“Studies show that crop yields in the region are really sensitive to small shifts in temperature, even of half a degree (Celsius) or so,” research leader Marshall Burke, from the University of California at Berkeley, told BBC News.
“If the sub-Saharan climate continues to warm and little is done to help its countries better adapt to high temperatures, the human costs are likely to be staggering.”
Conflicting outcomes
If temperatures rise across the continent as computer models project, future conflicts are likely to become more common, researchers suggest.
Northwestern Kenya’s drought has brought conflict between pastoralists
Their study shows an increase of about 50% over the next 20 years.
Kittens the folks in Africa and around the world can at least partially thank the non-science and publicity stunts of the folks in Greenpeace and their kind for making sure climate change happened with their propagandist fear mongering.
You don’t have to be a fan of nuclear energy to understand how the dots have connected and who has been responsible for helping climate change destroy our planet. We could have at least partially prevented climate change if it weren’t for the years of fear mongering from Greenpeace because they refused to accept science, much the same way some people refuse to accept the works of Darwin, usually with the same fear tactics.
Fighting against nuclear power has helped them raise a hell of a lot of funds. Funds that paid the for the cheap stunts which raised more funds and ultimately went into the pockets of those working for Greenpeace exactly the same way televangelists have picket the pockets of people who possibly though well intended are content to merely cut a cheque and mail it to the people that claim to have simple and easy to understand answers rather than inform themselves and ask the hard questions to the people who actually study these things.
It has been this blissfull ignorance and willingness to accept the sideshow antics of a few people who’s stock and trade is fear and cheap stunts that has mankind scrambling to erase the damages caused by propaganda spewed out by people who are raking in a shitload of of money by keeping people terrified.
If you don’t believe me or agree, then spend 47 seconds watching this.
Sick to your stomach yet?
That my Kittens is just one of their many very slickly produced anti-nuclear energy commercials. It suggests that the biggest act of terrorism ever committed is something to be used as a marketing tool.
These are the folks protecting you from yourself and keeping the world safe from scientists who actually have science on their side.
It is one thing to rape the people who send in donations to these glorified hecklers, but it is another for them to have played a major part in contributing to climate change because of their fear mongering and to not accept that because of this, people in Darfur and around the world are dying right now….and now….oooh there goes a few more….and no…….yup, now too….and so on because of them.
Like I said Kittens, you don’t have to be or not be a fan of nuclear energy or even care about dying Africans. Believe me though, those folks in Africa sure could use the money that Greenpeace takes in every year to feed themselves and having clean water and a power grid would allow them to raise themselves out of poverty, disease, famine and slavery.
If Greenpeace were to donate all of their money that they have ever received from their anti nuclear campaigns, they could build hospitals, farms and a clean energy power grid.
Where is their commercial asking you to send money to African charities for those causes instead of them?
You will never ever see one because there isn’t any money in it for them and starving Africans don’t need their commercials to act scary. Famine, disease, war and human suffering is scary enough without Greenpeace’s help and besides, you won’t see many Greenpeace stuntmen trying to hang a banner on a man with a machete saying “save the planet.”
So my Kittens, here we are nearing the end of yet another year and barreling towards 2010 and whoop-dee-doo. Since I have never really cared about New Years as a holiday I have just one question that I would finally want an answer to. The future is here so where the fuck are the flying cars?
When we were kids and forced by the state to attend the conformatorium school system when the teachers weren’t busy trying to destroy our individuality and self esteem once and a while they threw us a bone by telling us that when we eventually bowed to our corporate masters we would be rewarded with the luxuries of the future.
We would sit through movies in the classroom indoctrinating us about all of the wonders the modern world would hold for us when we grew up to be obedient slave-cogs in the machine. They promised us great wonderful rewards for our servitude. Robot butlers, ion powered roller skates, nuclear fission tooth brushes, moving sidewalks, Tang, vacations on Mars, an end to war and disease, form fitting jumpsuits, meals in a tube, gleaming silver zeppelin back packs and naturally….flying cars.
Here we are several years later and most of the soul dead adults that were wide eyed hopeful kids when we were promised all of these things swallowed the pill and believed the propaganda and guess what? It’s almost 2010 and still no flying fucking cars.
At the time it seemed plausible because mankind had a decent record of accomplishing some pretty cool things. We had sent some men to the moon to play golf, Vietnam was over and even though the Russians were still acting very Soviet at least they were keeping their cool about war. Televisions had become big hulking leviathans that when you turned them on not only did they have more channels from far away exotic locations like Tonawanda New York, but they would draw so much electricity that the street lights would go dim.
Even travelling to far away places even became easier. The Concorde was built and now you could fly to Europe in 2 hours at supersonic speed in the height of comfort. Flying cars seemed inevitable. Right?
Certainly things are different now then they were when I was a kid and here we are heading into 2010 and instead of flying cars and all of the wonderful things we were promised we have pretty much gotten exactly the opposite.
There are no flying cars or even moving sidewalks. You can’t even go to a mall or on the subway without finding a broken escalator. Even the mighty Concorde has been retired and was never replaced. Now here in the future it takes longer to fly to Europe than it did when I was a kid because of this and to make the longer trip even more fun you also have less leg room and get to enjoy a cavity search before you are allowed to get on the plane.
The reason you will end up having a man with large hands and a bad attitude look inside your ass before you are allowed to take your expensive coach seat is because instead of the end to war that we were promised there are now more than ever and there is a security risk every time you venture outside of your home.
Also unlike the wonderful future we were sold venturing outside doesn’t just mean somebody might want to blow themselves up while you are trying to buy some genetically modified prunes, it also means that now we can get a batch of fun new diseases that nobody can seem to cure. In the modern world if you want a pill to give you a boner that lasts seven days you have your choice of flavours just like bagels or ice cream. The same goes for methods to look younger, tighter and have bigger fake tits.
If you need a cure for any of the new diseases however you are pretty much screwed because nobody is actually curing any of them.
Thankfully though since we can’t fly in reasonable old fashioned comfort and time anymore the modern world has made it possible for us not to have to go outside and either be fire bombed or catch monkey pox because we can just simply plug in, get wired and bring the world to us in the comfort of our own home and never have to leave except to buy more and more gadgets on credit at 35% interest.
You can look at pictures of the places you can’t be bothered to go to and cyber bang the people you don’t have to go and actually meet anymore while texting your friends that you met online and tell them to read the blog you just wrote about you one remaining feeling that is just like some song you like on YouTube that thankfully you remembered to ReTweet just so somebody might see it and have a greater insight into that thought you ambiently had once.
There are no vacations on Mars because man doesn’t even play volleyball on the moon anymore. Billions and billions of dollars later all we do now is circle around the earth in shuttles that frequently explode and will soon be retired like the Concorde. We have however gotten rather good at making sure plenty of satellites are in orbit because without mobile phones that take pictures so we can instantly post pictures of them on Facebook we wouldn’t be able to stop what we were doing to show our online friends what we were doing. We also sure aren’t going to have any robot butlers anytime soon because then we wouldn’t need Febreeze to cover up the smell of our filth and since we aren’t interested in going other planets it isn’t like we will be entertaining any aliens for dinner parties anyways. Not that the god some people still believe in would approve because that would mean he didn’t exist to disapprove.
Oddly the one thing that we are close to that nobody really wanted when we were kids is food in a tube, or others horrors close to it. Now most families don’t bother cooking a nutritious meal together because you can microwave chemically enriched and preserved pancakes, bacon, waffles, meatloaf, Sunday roast beef, Tater Tots, scrambled eggs, chicken nuggets and cheeseburgers in a fucking can. Then you can wonder why your 13 year old video game addicted kid is massively obese needs a heart transplant and has diabetes.
We know that we aren’t going to be getting our flying cars anytime soon because not only are the car makers all bankrupt, but the road driven cars that they currently make suck more than than they did 30 years ago. Cars used to last 20 years if you took care of it and maintained it regularly now, they are designed to wear out in 8 years. You could drive a 79 Mercury into a wall and the wall would break before the car did but now you don’t dare to your SUV to do anything remotely sport or utility inclined or you may dent the plastic bumper.
The flying car we were promised are about as likely as Buck Rogers sitting frozen in space right now waiting to be retrieved and brought back to a post apocalyptic earth. That hasn’t happened yet either because there would be no profit in sending a spandex clad man into space looking for interesting things to bring home. Oh, that and we don’t know how to do it because we aren’t trying.
We can Google anything. Anything. There is no limit to the things we can learn if we just ask the right questions. The science fiction we were taught as children to fully expect to become science faction could be reality if we wanted it to be but the problem is, is that we don’t or at the very least don’t care anymore. We just don’t have the chops for the big stuff anymore because we are too distracted.
There is no need for a supersonic jet to Europe anymore when you can satisfy your need to look at pictures of far away places on your internet phone while you are buying one of 48 different kinds of coffee from the comfort of your still not airborne car.
Most have become the passive and obedient sheepole just like they were trained to be when I was a kid, except they forgot all about their flying cars and didn’t even bother trying to invent one. We used to have time to dream these things up and then go into the lab or the workshop and figure out how to make them work, but we don’t do that anymore because with 1000 channels on television, war, disease, Ikea, mobile browsers, massive credit bills, terrorism and U2 tickets, who has the time?
Maybe it is a good thing we don’t have flying cars after all. I’m not certain that I would trust modern man to pilot one successfully without crashing it into cloud because he would be too distracted. I think I’ll just remember the future as it was presented to us as kids in the best way possible walk to work instead.
Kittens there are few things in life that are more perfect than sitting down to with the mighty Keep Your Coins, I Want Change lap top with a strong black coffee and The Manic Street Preachers blistering through my headphones.
It’s during these peaceful moments that as the good lady Missus quite astutely pointed out this past weekend while we were talking about the usual criticism this blog receives for tea bagging the establishments that not only does it have a symbiotic relationship with the media and it’s detractors of Keep Your Coins, but mostly that I am Sam the Sheepdog.
(Notice the strong physical resemblance)
You see Kittens, Sam the Sheepdog and I have a lot on common. We both wake up, have a cup of coffee and then go to work protecting the grazing oblivious sheep from the sneaky plotting treacherous wolf. You know…Whitey.
(Boink)
Sam and I punch the clock every day and calmly do our our gig. We don’t miss anything through our messy tussled mops and are always ready to smack the wolf around when he miss behaves, which he always does because he is a wolf. Again, this is the symbiotic relationship.
Sam the Sheepdog and Ralph the Wolf both have jobs to do while the sheep are just happy being sheep. Mindlessly wandering around content not to bump into too many things while acting and looking just like each other.
This is also pretty much how it works with Keep Your Coins.
Since the mainstream media have become gutless punks who can’t be bothered to ask any questions anymore when they report a story and are now content just to report on whatever Jon and Kate are up to as front page news while burying real news stories deep in the back pages about how badly you are getting fucked but not telling you why or how, yet still have the balls to actually charge for their ass wipe rags and cable news channels people turn to blog like Keep Your Coins for opinions. You remember those don’t you Kittens? Places where a news story turns up, research is done on both sides of a story and just like in newspapers and on television an opinion is put forth after the facts are laid out.
The media have become the sheepole that they used to inform and then wonder why in the age of information fewer people are turning to them for the information that they no longer provide anyways. Just like Sam and Ralph, there is always going to be a wolf or two looking to feast on a nice plump hapless sheep and there will always need to be a sheepdog to keep an eye on him and stop the fucker. Thankfully one of the few vestiges of mankind is that we are at least partially self regulating in the form of the fifth estate, the angry mob.
Celebrities and gossip magazines have an oddly symbiotic withstanding relationship that has all but disappeared from mainstream media.
Celebrities wouldn’t be celebrities without the gossip media. They would just be what they are. Some people who enjoy dressing up in somebody elses clothes who are rather good at remembering words written on bits of paper. Without somebody to talk about her, Jennifer Aniston would just go away. This by the way Kittens is partially a point and partially a plea. Somebody please make her go away.
Gossip columnists also wouldn’t have a job without some people to gossip about. They wouldn’t have jobs without celebrities to pester, judge and point their fingers at when celebrities go bat shit and make sex tapes of themselves so they would have to resume their lives as cackling vacant post teenage bimbos and screaming queens. The two being mostly hard to differentiate.
At least the gossip columnists do serve one purpose which the mainstream media doesn’t bother with anymore. They actually ask questions and when a celebrity does something painfully horrifying like kidnap a new shiny African kid, they are the first one to say “what the fuck you gnarled old lady?”
Thankfully the critics of this blog have some time on their hands…..to hate it. Good for them. Bring it on. It is part of the never ending cycle of who is watching the watcher watching the watchmen. Opinions are a bit like physics. For every opinion there is usually an opposite opinion. Normally this is a good thing unless you are talking about genocide.
Thankfully as fearless leader of a small army chronically masturbating of self entitled zygote minion sycophantic kleptomaniac arsonists I can leave the heavy lifting and lost causes to them. At the very least it gives them character and them a few well deserved pistol whippings.
It’s only a day gig where the Sheepdog and the Wolf co-exist.
When you write a daily column like they used to in the newspapers frequently you are asked “what about writers block?” “What happens if there is nothing happening in the world?”
Bullshit…you pussies.
There is always something to writ about because there is always some pie wagon prick doing something horrible. The Wolf never took a day off and it was his job to fuck somebody else over. That’s what they do. Sam the Sheepdog punched his clock every day and his job was to punch the shit out of Ralph, with comedic effect.
Day in and day out at the Acme Factory which is the Keep Your Coins blog it is the same thing. Over and over, the daily battle for a cup of black coffee, the clock is punched and the swinging begins. Then, at the end of the day the clock is punched again it is time to go home to the family.
Quick Kittens!! Who the fuck are these guys? Any takers?
Nope, it isn’t NWA.
No, it isn’t my family portrait.
No it isn’t the cast of “Who’s that motherfuckin Cracka” either.
This my Kittens is the Jamaican Boblsedding team. The real one. Not the cast from the movie Cool Runnings that was loosely based on the actual Jamaican Boblsedding team who will be competing in the Vancouver 2010 Olympics. The real deal Kittens.
This is even the dude who are departed home boy John Candy’s character was loosely based on.
(Not Johnny La Rue)
So why are we talking about some Jamaican bobsledders?
Because these are the real people. Not characters in a movie. Those were pretend. Kind of like….
How a Halloween getup went badly wrong
U of T students say their black face costumes were an homage to a movie
Few things are more cringe-inducing than black face. For a group of University of Toronto students, that’s the most recent lesson learned.
At a Halloween party on Oct. 29, a Trinidadian student and four white friends decided to dress up as the Jamaican bobsled team from the 1993 kitsch film Cool Runnings.
They wore brightly coloured tracksuits, one dreadlocks wig and Jamaican flag T-shirts. Oh, and face paint: for the black student, posing as the coach played by John Candy, thick white clown makeup. For the white students, brown foundation slightly darker than George Hamilton’s self-tanner.
The day after the party, torontoist.com posted a photo of the group, kicking off a heated comment section debate on satire and tribute. Criticism centred on the notion that the bobsled team had apparently won a costume prize.
“There wasn’t voting or any rationale or best costume award,” says Deryn Robson, a South Asian student at St. Michael’s College, who organizes events like the Halloween gathering for 1,500 at Mansion Bar and Wet Lounge. Robson, who went as Mickey Mouse, says that after every party, he sends his mailing list a bunch of photos. This time, he singled out group costumes he thought were fun.
But the U of T’s Black Students’ Association wanted official apologies from the three colleges that threw the party.
Halloween is exuberantly tasteless, which usually slides until there’s an accusation of racism. Target, Walgreen and eBay pulled an “illegal alien” costume from the shelves this year, after an immigrants’ rights group objected to the alien mask attached to a bright orange prisoner’s jumpsuit. The blog Angry Asian Man does an annual roundup of offensive gear, such as an exaggerated rubber face mask dubbed Fee Ling You.
Thoughtful depictions of blackface (think Bamboozled or Tropic Thunder) have recently been considered worthwhile commentary. In a defence posted on torontoist.com, the U of T group said the costume was a specific tribute to a movie that played “a large part in our childhoods.”
But Sanelifo Moyo, social chair for the Black Students’ Association, says their costumes were too undefined to be taken seriously. “In no way did their costumes represent the Jamaican bobsled team.”
“If you ask 50 different people, they’ll all see 50 different things,” says Stephen Johnson, a professor at U of T who has studied blackface and minstrelsy for 20 years.
Johnson says that while actors and costume-wearers want to invoke specific characters, viewers who have had racist experiences could be legitimately hurt or offended.
The Black Students’ Association and other student groups organized a Tuesday night town hall meeting on the uproar. Some 250 students turned up for a quick lesson on the history of blackface from U of T professors, followed by a discussion. The bobsled group was there and submitted an apology.
Robson wasn’t bothered by the Cool Runnings getup, saying the fivesome are being “unfairly pegged as racist.”
(There is a very good chance this idea was pot related)
There you have it Kittens. Today we are going to be talking about black face.
(Yeah, what Mr T said)
So here are the facts Kittens.
There is an actual Jamaican Bobledding team.
There was a movie with fictional characters very loosely based on their story.
A few years later some University students dressed like the characters in the fictional movie. Some o them were white guys dressed as black guys, and there was a black guy dressed as a white….umm…John Candy. For Halloween, when people dress up, get drunk, have fun and do stupid shit.
Then Sanelifo Moyo, social chair for the Black Students’ Association, said their costumes were too undefined to be taken seriously. “In no way did their costumes represent the Jamaican bobsled team.”
This is because they weren’t the Jamaican bobsled team. They were dressing as characters in a movie. You know….a movie.
People who are not real because they are acting.
You know what that means don’t you Kittens? That means that in movies sometimes people dress up as somebody else. Sanelifo Moyo may have wanted to actually Google the real Jamaican bobsled team as well as movies and television.
(Sarah Silverman, a Jewish actor in black face. Not Oprah)
So Kittens a few newbies at a university decided to dress up like some actors in a movie that they probably watch every Thursday night on wings and bong night. A few were white and one was black. A bit like South Park. Four wacky kids and Token the black kid.
They went to a bar off of university grounds and had their picture taken. The Black Students’ Association decided that these white kids and their black friend were somehow offending them and they were being suffering from having their feelings hurt so they did what any black militant activist group fighting like their fore fathers did during the civil rights movement. They had an uproar to discuss how their rich enough to attend university privileged asses were hurt by a few white kids and a black one dressed as a white guy, possibly not realizing there was a black guy as a part of the gang because we all look the same. Truly Kittens, the only way you can tell us white people apart is when we swim.
So Kittens in a rather un-university-ish way the folks at U of T didn’t just throw themselves into a gigantic politically correct speed wobble and suspend the kids, they used it as a learning tool to discuss the history of black face with somebody who actually knows quite a bit about it.
(Eddie Murphy, a black guy dressed as a white Jewish guy)
An actor with legs acting as a man with no legs. No shrimp were hurt during the pretend amputation.
By getting upset about some spazzy white kids and their black chum dressing up as people in a movie they have not only missed several history lessons, but also accomplished two things.
If there is ever a real case of racial discrimination that they have to face as a part of an association of privileged black kids, they will have undermined their group because they stepped away from school grounds into a bar setting and yell about how some people dressed as photo negative movie characters hurt their feelings.
They have now also outed the kids who decided to dress up as racists and thus committed reverse racism. Even against the black kid with white face on.
(Insane Clown Posse. White guys, dressed as white clowns, trying to be black)
Is it possible that the Black Students’ Association is missing the point just a wee bit and now, here we fortunately are in the era of a black American President that maybe just maybe we an all just get past this petty nit picking and focus on real issues that concern us all as the human race rather than worrying about people in a costume and then branding them as racist?
Here are a few not so subtle reminders to the people who think goofy kids paying dress up should never happen because the worst possible crime that could ever be committed, hurting somebodies feelings, is a brand new thing and that they and they alone are being persecuted because of their race. Their race that can afford university educations.
This is a large gay man dressed as a large woman. Both groups have and continue t experience their own forms of discrimination. Have either of them had an uproar yet?
This is a Scottish man dressed as a fat man. They have a hard time too. Just ask Braveheart and Beefheart.
Not in the mood to dress up like a movie character next year? Try this one on for size. Nothing strange about this costume sold in every store at all.
This is a heterosexual man who played a gay man on television.
Here we have a gay man who plays a strait man in movies and in the tabloids.
This charming fellow is one of the Sand People. Hmm….aren’t a group of folks referred to as Sand People very racistly?
Oh yes, ad here is one of the gayer ones. Fabulous shoes.
If you are ever looking for examples of white people who are pretending to be black, why don’t we weed out these little weasels?
I’m Irish. Should I go have Lucky Charms yanked out of the supermarkets now? No I shouldn’t because that would be magically ridiculous.
Jews. ‘Nuff said.
Ditto
Look Kittens!! Here is a black actor dressed as a Klingon who was married to a white earthling dressed as a white English person.
Here’s a white guy dressed as the black actor who dresses as a alien who dresses up as a white guy who…..oh fuck I’m starting to lose track now. Can this get any worse?
Sweet Jesus yes it can!!! Wow. Gay men dressed up as every possible racial group and then they have the big gay balls to sing about the Navy and the YMCA!!! The Young Mens Christian Association!!!
Somebody call the Special Forces because society is going to collapse because of all of these people dressing up like other people and that means everybody is going to be offended so then we’ll all have to………….
Oh fuck it. Grow up people. Aren’t we past all of this shit yet?
Pay attention students because this one is for points. Get a little bit of life experience and history behind you before you start thinking you know shit about life. You came from privileged homes and are learning in an institution of expensive hypocrisy. You don’t know fuck all about real trails in life yet, you haven’t even gotten the pudding off of your Erkle jammies yet.
At least the tens of thousands of dollars your parents are paying for you to act like little sissies are going to a school that has used your uproar to teach you something. School is in fact in session.
Hopefully the pothead retards (including the black guy) aren’t lynched because you have branded them as racist for dressing up like fiction characters in a movie. The movie that the accusers ironically thought, was real.
Space: The final frontier
These are the voyages of the Jesus Ship Vatican
Its 2000 year mission
To explore strange new worlds
To seek out new life and new civilizations and convert them
To boldly go where no man has gone before (_I_)
Kittens since there really isn’t any possible way to set this story up and do it justice, I offer you the very latest from the “You just can’t make this shit up” files…
Google and Facebook teach Vatican the mysteries of the Internet
Two very different worlds collide this week when web-savvy executives of Google, Facebook, YouTube and Wikipedia meet representatives of the Vatican to explain the mysteries of the Internet
Media experts will join bishops from across Europe to tell them how best to communicate the Catholic Church’s message in the 21st century.
Steeped in history, the Church often struggles to explain its outlook and Pope Benedict XVI has in recent months been mired in controversy over remarks about the role condoms can play in halting the spread of Aids and his decision to rehabilitate a Holocaust-denying British bishop.
During a four-day conference which starts on Thursday, representatives from the social network Facebook, the search engine Google, the YouTube video sharing website and the online encyclopedia Wikipedia will explain the importance of “new media” in the lives of young people.
The bishops will also learn how to combat the threat of hacking, with advice from a young hacker from Switzerland and an Interpol expert on cybercrime.
“The world of hackers is a separate, parallel culture that is mostly ignored by the Church but not by fans of information technology,” said the Vatican’s ‘communications ministry’, the Pontifical Council for Social Communications, which is organising the gathering.
The conference is the latest in a series of moves by the Pope, who uses an iPod and a laptop computer, to engage with modern technology.
(iPope)
Kittens, if ever there was a day where I wish this mighty blog was a mighty podcast, it is today. Not because it would make it more entertaining, but so you could have heard the gigantic sigh I belted out that could only imply “No seriously…..what the fuck is wrong with you people?”
Where oh where shall we begin Kittens? Hmmm….
The Pope seems to be sad because the Catholic church, who as we all know is universally known for their subtlety when it comes to getting their message to the masses.
(No Mel Gibsons were harmed during the maiming of this Catholic pilgrim. He was too busy calling people “Sugar Tits”)
Thankfully as if it was a miracle or something, the Popes crack team of experts in the field have swooped in to the rescue and demanded that the heads of Google, Facebook, YouTube and Wikipedia spend an entire 4 days to teach them how to use Google, Facebook, YouTube and Wikipedia so that he can get his message across and when he isn’t busy Googling himself, appeal to the tech savvy youth.
(Confess it like Beckham)
This isn’t the first time that the Pope has tried to appeal to the younger not-quite-yet-indoctrinated-with-shame-and-guilt generation though my Kittens. Benedict is an old fella and when he isn’t battling geriatric incontinence and looking for his teeth he wants a wider audience of donation paying obedient worshippers. He tried it the way that Popes have been doing in the past and kicking it old school but those crazy kids today with their Facebook, Google and Rick Astley records just weren’t biting the way they used to back when he was a kid and joined a youth group.
Lucky for Benedict and his roadies they finally understand space. Not just cyber space either Kittens. All kinds of space. Even that space where they say god lives on a cloud and people go there when they die.
The Vatican joins the search for alien life
The Vatican’s Pontifical Academy of Sciences is holding its first ever conference on alien life, the discovery of which would have profound implications for the Catholic Church.
The Pontifical Academy of Sciences is holding a conference on astrobiology, the study of life beyond Earth, with scientists and religious leaders gathering in Rome this week.
For centuries, theologians have argued over what the existence of life elsewhere in the universe would mean for the Church: at least since Giordano Bruno, an Italian monk, was put to death by the Inquisition in 1600 for claiming that other worlds exist.
Among other things, extremely alien-looking aliens would be hard to fit with the idea that God “made man in his own image”.
Furthermore, Jesus Christ’s role as saviour would be confused: would other worlds have their own, tentacled Christ-figures, or would Earth’s Christ be universal?
However, just as the Church eventually made accommodations after Copernicus and Galileo showed that the Earth was not the centre of the universe, and when it belatedly accepted the truth of Darwin’s theory of evolution, Catholic leaders say that alien life can be aligned with the Bible’s teachings.
Father Jose Funes, a Jesuit astronomer at the Vatican Observatory and one of the organisers of the conference, said: “As a multiplicity of creatures exists on Earth, so there could be other beings, also intelligent, created by God.
(2009 A Faith Odessy)
Wow!!
Wow!!
You have to admit it Kittens. This motherfucker is on fire!!
First they figured out where the sun is, then they actually read the works of Darwin and a hundred years ad change later they admitted that maybe he was onto something and now they have called in the finest minds to figure out how YouTube works in cyberspace, and how telescope works so that they can find other life in outer space and if they are Christian.
(When he ‘pokes’ you…it isn’t a good thing)
So the Catholic church has decided to look for signs of intelligent life on the Internet and in outer space. The latter being far more likely. It is a great leap from looking for Jesus where he is usually hanging around begging for change.
Thankfully when you are the Catholic church in the modern era you and you need some advice from the outside world you don’t have to go find people the old fashioned way, with men on horses with nets but by simply asking them to come over for a nice 4 day cup of tea so they can show you how FUCKING FACEBOOK WORKS. FOR 4 FUCKING DAYS. YOU KNOW, SO YOU DON’T FORGET ON YOUR WAY HOME.
(“We packed you some Gummy Bears and Root Beer for the trip your Popieness”)
So Kittens is it possible that although the Pope and his lackies are actually so dim witted that they cannot figure out how Facebook works, and to just ask a few crazy priests and bishops to please stop all of the alter boy pillow fights and Mel Gibsoney Jew hating?
No.
In the year 2000 the Catholic church made a tidy profit of 422.098 billion dollars. That is billion Kittens, with a capitol B.
These are the people who claim to be helping the poor. These are the people who say they are feeding the needy and taking care of their flock. These are the people who always say (every Sunday at least twice a day) that they always need more. They never have enough, so they always rattle their cup and tell you how much more they need so they can do their good work and spread their message….on Facebook. As well as Wikipedia. And YouTube. Which are free to join. But they do not understand or know how to use.
(Simon says clap your hands)
Economic Report of the Holy See for 2000
By Head of Prefecture for the Economic Affairs of the Holy See
VATICAN CITY, JULY 6, 2001 (ZENIT.org).- Here is the presentation made this morning on the economic report of the Holy See for 2000. Cardinal Sergio Sebastiani, president of the Prefecture for the Economic Affairs of the Holy See, made the presentation at a press conference.
Together with my closest collaborators, I have the pleasure of presenting the Consolidated Financial Statement of the Holy See for fiscal year 2000.
Being a consolidated financial statement, this represents the sum of all the expenses and the income of the diverse Vatican administrations which enter into the consolidation: the Administration of the Patrimony of the Apostolic See (APSA) which is the largest; the Congregation for the Evangelization of Peoples; the Apostolic Camera; Vatican Radio; Osservatore Romano — Vatican Press (incorporated into one with regard to administration); the Vatican Television Center; and the Vatican Publishing House.
For the eighth consecutive year, the operating statement for fiscal year 2000 for the Holy See closes with a net gain of 17.720 billion, equal to $8,516,000 US at the exchange rate at the end of the year of 2,080.89 lire per dollar. The total expenses were 404.378 billion and the total income was 422.098 billion. Compared with the previous fiscal year, the income was more substantial, having increased by 64 billion. As is easily imaginable, the increase in expenses is strictly related to the celebration of the Jubilee Year, which brought with it greater activity, and therefore a greater need for personnel, within the various offices of the Roman Curia and also of the media organs connected with the Holy See. In fact, in 2000 the number of our employees was approximately 2,700, with an increase of roughly 70 persons. The increase in income came particularly from a favourable monetary situation. With these introductory remarks, I turn now to an analysis of the principal entries of the operating statement, which as usual are expressed categorically in the following four sectors.
1) Institutional Activity. This first sector encompasses all the Dicasteries of the Roman Curia (Secretariat of State, Congregations, Councils, Tribunals, Synod of Bishops, and various offices); these assist the Holy Father more closely in his ministry as Universal Pastor at the service of the particular Churches and also for the benefit of humanity as a peacemaker in today´s world. Since these are organs that are called to render service, they do not ordinarily produce income. From this come the significance of the prescriptions of Canon 1271 of the Code of Canon Law, which freely invites the Bishops to meet the needs of the Holy See, according to their means, in order to offer their service to the Universal Church, just as, according to Canon 1263, the diocesan curiae are sustained by the free offers from the parishes.
The income derived from these oblations reached the come of 43.219 billion in 2000, with an increase of roughly 2 billion from the figure for 1999. To this wave of solidarity were united the offers from religious institutes as well as foundations, associations, Catholic entities, and the faithful, from which was received a sum of 78.417 billion.
As for expenses, which amounted to roughly 188 billion, I would like to underline the fact that the significant increase was caused not only by personnel, of which I have already spoken, but also by greater general and administrative expenditures and by repairs and maintenance of the Nunciatures of our Papal Representatives.
This important sector therefore closed with a deficit equal to 57.694 billion, the total income having amounted to 130 billion.
2) Financial Activity. In this sector are included the financial activities of the seven consolidated administrations, of which the largest is APSA Ordinary Section. We have been fortunate, in that the net result of this sector closed with a gain of 125.184 billion, higher by approximately 38 billion than that of 1999. This brilliant result is substantially due to three factors: the appreciation of the dollar, which increased in value for almost the whole year, with a slight drop in the final months; the performance of the financial markets, in which bonds gave good results in contrast to stocks with regard to the sector of the “new economy”; and the good outcome of the buying and selling of securities that took place during the year. It is to be noted, in fact, that according to statutes, APSA Extraordinary Section, in contrast to banking institutions, must attend before all else to the maintenance of the assets.
3) The real estate sector in fiscal year 2000 shows expenses of 51.852 billion and income of 81.749 billion, thus closing with a gain of 29.887 billion, higher by roughly 11 billion than that of 1999, because of fewer expenditures for maintenance and repairs effectuated before the Jubilee year.
4) The activity of the Media Institutions connected with the Holy See presented a deficit of 37.711 billion, the regular income having amounted to 43.206 billion and the expenses to 80.917 billion. In comparison with the preceding fiscal year, the results for Vatican Radio and for Osservatore Romano are more grave, with deficits greater by 4 billion, because of the greater activity that came with the Jubilee year. At the same time, the Vatican Television Center managed to close with a result substantially equal to that of the previous year. With regard to Vatican Radio, it is necessary to add a note of applause in view of the enormous amount of activity undertaken on the occasion of the Great Jubilee of the Year 2000. It is enough to think that the number of hours transmitted in the year were almost 24,000, and that many Jubilee events were transmitted in 60 languages. The listener´s ratings also increased because of connections with numerous local radio stations.
The last part of the operating statement pertains to various income and expense, which present a deficit of approximately 42 billion, of which 30 billion are attributed to an allocation to cover the costs of the fund shown in the liabilities on the balance sheet, destined to meet the expenses of payments of pensions to employees who retired before 1993.
I have had the privilege of presenting the Consolidated Financial Statement of the Holy See for the year 2000 to the Holy Father in the course of an audience granted to me on 22 June and to present it also to the Council of Cardinals for the Study of Organizational and Economic Problems of the Holy See, which met yesterday. The financial statement now will be translated into various languages and sent to the Bishops and Superiors General of Religious Institutes.
In conclusion, permit me to underline that from 1993 to 2000 all the consolidated financial statements of the Holy See have closed in the black. This has been made possible not only by a vigilant control of costs but above all by the ever greater sum that comes to us from Bishops, Religious, Foundations, Associations, Catholic entities, and the faithful, on behalf of whom I ask you to convey my most lively gratitude, together with the following consideration: economic autonomy is for the Church the best guarantee of liberty in her mission of evangelization without dependence upon the powerful of this world; it is for this that the Holy See is not ashamed extend her hand, because it is the poor and not the rich who enjoy this auto-sufficiency.
[Text from Vatican]
(Before you ask…yes Kittens. The Flying Nun is the flight attendant)
Does this sound like the work of a group of people who can’t figure out how to make a fucking Facebook profile Kittens?
No. It sure as hell isn’t.
This is the Catholic church. Very rich people who claim to be healing the sick with your dollars, have the keys to all of your spiritual needs and one way ticket to heaven when you die and tell you that you have confess your guilt of being born with original sin even though you weren’t.
Oh, they also say the don’t know how YouTube works and that they are looking for aliens.
As usual Kittens, with one mighty swoop, we shall solve all of the problems of the Catholic church so they can give you all of your money back, have a garage sale and give the money to some poor people. Every Sunday instead of having to get dressed up, do some kneeling, some praying and looking up at a roof so their god can judge you.
Hey Pope!!
Look over here!!!
This is how you work YouTube!!
Click the arrow!!
This is also where the aliens are!! They’re in Russia!!
Roger Moore will tell you all about it!!
You know him!!
He was James Bond and everything!!
Now give those nice sheepole THEIR FUCKING MONEY BACK YOU BENE-DICKS!!
Sit down Kittens and prepare to be baffled. I know as regular readers your skin has become thick to the vast weirdness of the world that we talk about here at Keep Your Coins, I Want Change but this two story is enough to make you smash your head on the side of your desk [...]
Guess what Kittens? Today I wrote a guest article for my chums over at The State Of Affairs. For those of you who don’t already know they are kind of the retarded cousin to Keep Your Coins, but good lads none the less. Give it a read and make sure to check them out. [...]
Kittens today I am in an uncharacteristically good mood. I have no idea why. The streetcar ride into work today was a terrifying ordeal with some grifting business criminal texting their ambient thoughts away on Twitter while resting their Blackberry on my head, the local coffee shop has found a brand new abomination by not [...]
Woooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Look who it is Kittens!!! Darwin, the Keep Your Coins, I Want Change mailbag mule is here!!! We all know what that means don’t we? It’s time for a long overdue installment of the fan favorite KYC mailbag!! I must first apologize to you Kittens, as well to Darwin the mule. Several weeks and even recently re-set […]
Me “Jesus white people are dumb.” The Missus “Uh…we’ve been over this. You’re white.” Me “I am NOT white.” The Missus “You are white.” Me “No, I am not white.” The Missus “You are white. I am white. The kids are white. We’re all white.” Me “I am NOT white. […]
So my Kittens, here we are nearing the end of yet another year and barreling towards 2010 and whoop-dee-doo. Since I have never really cared about New Years as a holiday I have just one question that I would finally want an answer to. The future is here so where the fuck are the flying [...]
Kittens there are few things in life that are more perfect than sitting down to with the mighty Keep Your Coins, I Want Change lap top with a strong black coffee and The Manic Street Preachers blistering through my headphones. It’s during these peaceful moments that as the good lady Missus quite astutely pointed out [...]
Quick Kittens!! Who the fuck are these guys? Any takers? Nope, it isn’t NWA. No, it isn’t my family portrait. No it isn’t the cast of “Who’s that motherfuckin Cracka” either. This my Kittens is the Jamaican Boblsedding team. The real one. Not the cast from the movie Cool Runnings that was loosely based on the [...]
Space: The final frontier These are the voyages of the Jesus Ship Vatican Its 2000 year mission To explore strange new worlds To seek out new life and new civilizations and convert them To boldly go where no man has gone before (_I_) Kittens since there really isn’t any possible way to set this story up and do it justice, I [...]
From the mighty Keep Your Coins, I Want Change blog a heartfelt thank you to all of the vetrans who sacrificed themselves for our freedom. Let us never forget what you did, and learn from the wars that you fought so that we may never have to repeat them. Bookmark this [...]
