The Five Second Rule

Photobucket

“Morning”

“Morning”

“What can I get you?”

“One large black coffee please.”

“Milk? Sugar?”

“Oh for fuc….no. No milk. No sugar. One large black coffee. Just like yesterday, Just like tomorrow. Just like every day for the last year at this time every morning. One large black coffee.”

“So just black?”

“I hate you.”

“What else?”

“Oh for fuc….nothing. Just my daily large black coffee. Please.”

“Thank you, see you tomorrow.”

“Yes, and I will order a large black coffee then as well.”

“With what in it?”

“Please die.”

Every day Kittens. Every fucking day the coffee lady at the shop and I do the same dance. Every day, five days a week for the last year. It is the easiest recipe ever invented aside from room temperature water. Black coffee. No milk, no sugar. No cinnamon, no sprinkles, no soy vanilla infusion, no dollop of ice cream and no other annoying retarded Starbucks flavours. Just strong black coffee.

Just try getting one.

I know I have mentioned my coffee horrors before but it bears repeating Kittens because it is a daily reminder of just how stupid people can be, not just once or even twice but every day. Forever.

We all witness these people too Kittens. Every single mind numbing day we all see the same people committing the same common sense atrocities and we never reach into the inside pocket of our jacket, produce a large monkey wrench, and smash them in the face until they lie there bleeding and crying “why, why why have you destroyed me?”

Every day I see the same people, running for the streetcar that is at their stop every day at the same time trying to get on it and then get to work. Every day the same people then stand there for ten minutes confused and fumbling through pockets and purses trying to find the same amount of money that they spend every day yet never leave the house without having previously set aside for the morning commute. I’m sure if I chose to kill myself with fast food I would also see the same people n line at Mc Donalds every day looking up at the menu board with the same confused look while they pondered what they should have that day, as if suddenly the Hamburgler might be offering a chef’s special.

You also see the same people in line on front of you whenever you go to the drug store who are buying a yeast infection cream and insist on giving the cashier every imaginable point redeeming bonus club card, and then paying for their purchase without somehow remembering their pin number or even how to use the debit card keypad. Again.

Now Kittens I know that you are saying to yourself “Oh come on. Nobody is that retarded. Don’t wild dogs attack and kill these people before they infect the rest of society?”

Nope. In today’s Toronto Star…….

Cocoa Krispies won’t save you from H1N1

As H1N1 hysteria grows, some people are trying everything from onions to homeopathy to fend off the vicious bug.

“I’m hearing a lot of people talking about H1N1 and there’s a lot of fear out there, that’s for sure,” says Heather Boon, a professor at the University of Toronto who studies natural health products.

A host of H1N1 prevention techniques and products are circulating on Internet websites and email chains. The U.S. Food and Drug Administration has been vigilant, sending cease-and-desist letters to companies marketing “fraudulent products” in relation to H1N1, including gels, inhalers, masks, body wash and “air system products.”

Dr. Allison McGeer, director of infection control at Mount Sinai Hospital, says she thinks a lot of people are “out to make money out of swine flu.”

Novalis Integra Center for Healing and Transformation, an Ottawa-based company, was offering “free swine flu natural immunization” on its website until it was tracked down by the FDA. Co-founder Joyce Friesen says the immunization product is a powder you put under your tongue – an “energetic imprint” of the H1N1 virus created with a “homeopathic resonance system.”

Novalis, which received warning letters from the FDA and the Competition Bureau of Canada, is no longer marketing the product on its website.

“It’s really unfortunate because homeopathy works and it’s a safe and inexpensive alternative and it wouldn’t cost the government billions of dollars,” Friesen says.

When it comes to homeopathy, McGeer says there are two kinds of people: those who honestly believe their medicine will help, and scammers.

“There’s any number of homeopathic remedies and vitamins and herbs … and a whole list of things that people are trying,” she says. But the only things proven to fight H1N1, she says, are vaccination and washing your hands.

ONIONS
Parishioners from Toronto’s Dewi Sant Welsh United Church are placing onions in bowls around their houses.

Their church newsletter circulated a story about a farmer who did this during the Spanish flu pandemic of 1918-1919, using the onions to absorb the virus and keep his family healthy.

Church volunteer Nina Morris hasn’t put out her onions yet, but plans to.

“I’ve heard both ways – you can use it peeled or unpeeled – but I think unpeeled would be a little bit onerous,” says the 62-year-old.

Mount Sinai’s Allison McGeer has only one thing to say about using onions: “Nonsense.”

Photobucket

That’s right Kittens, people have actually gotten themselves whipped up into such a frenzy over swine flu that they think Count Chocula might protect them in case Captain Crunch turns out to be a Somalian pirate.

To make things even more entertaining, the usual fear mongering media who’s job it is to tell us what Jon and Kate are doing to each other today as well as making sure that the masses are convinced that they are all going to die from swine flu now have to tell the people that they are scaring to death that Cocoa Krispies are in fact, not a cure for anything except the munchies from a bong hit.

It isn’t entirely the fault of the media though says the media. They are only doing a public service because it is really the fault of the people who make food that has cartoon elves as their corporate representatives. It is because of the evil illusions created by the dastardly elf cabal that is to blame. Thankfully the people who are prepared to believe that Fruit Loops can cure swine flu far better than that wacky old wives tale of washing your hands after you get somebodies snot all over them on the subway and then maybe not go home and rub the dummy out of their eyes.

You see my Kittens when you set aside the Hollywood mass hysteria about swine flu, and the ratings that the media is enjoy scaring the snot out of you (literally), and the fact that one of the largest newspapers in one of the highest rated countries in the world according to the UN has to actually tell their readers in the health section that magical elves on a cereal box cannot cure swine flu, cancer, small pox or even pick a winning horse then you start to realize that the true disease that is killing us, is uncommon sense.

When we drop food on the floor we call it the 5 second rule. if we grab it before 5 seconds elapses we figure that somehow the dog shit that was on our shoes and now on our floor somehow didn’t get all over our chicken and waffles, despite the dog shit smear that looks a bit like Jesus all over it.

With common sense on the ropes and gasping for air as if the media and society somehow developed a vaccine for it, I suggest we apply the 5 second rule to everything.

Every day while taking a streetcar to work I time myself getting on and off of it. Three steps to the streetcar, three steps to the road. It takes me exactly 2 and 1/2 seconds.

If a person cannot manage to lug their vast abominable hulking frame and buggies of shopping on and off of a streetcar in 5 seconds, then they should not be allowed to ride with the rest of us. 5 seconds for 3 steps isn’t much to ask, and this is coming from a man with arthritis. The same thing follows with finding enough money for your commute or even finding a place to sit or stand.

It takes me far longer than 5 seconds to order a black coffee everyday from the same people who I order a black coffee from every day. It takes at least 15 seconds to tell them to make me a large black coffee, because they always ask me how much milk or sugar I would like in my daily large black coffee. It then takes at least another 15 seconds for them to grasp the concept of black coffee in a world that doesn’t know what black coffee is anymore because coffee isn’t coffee unless it has a flavour shot of blueberry razzle dazzle whipped cream, a few sparklers and is prepared by somebody who doesn’t work at a coffee shop anymore but is now called a Barrista. This has made black coffee much like common sense. The simplest easiest recipe almost virtually extinct, and replaced by something, expensive, retarded and has a corporate cartoon spokes…umm….thing.

If we have to sit the average citizen down and explain to them that animated cereal box goblins will not protect them from a case of swine flu just because the cartoon goblins say it will, or might…possibly…and it takes more than 5 seconds for them to understand this, then they deserve swine flu delivered to them anally by an actual swine.

Photobucket

Start applying the 5 second rule to everything and every easy to understand and common sense conversation, rule or generally accepted part of life Kittens for a week and watch what happens.

Give the next person in front of you exactly 5 seconds to order lunch at Mc Donalds. You now, the place where you only have a few options that everybody on earth kows what is on the menu regardless of whether they eat there or not. Wait…then wait some more….and then wait a bit longer.

Now go to a store and give the person in front of you 5 seconds to remember how to operate their very own back card. Once you have completed that failed experiment follow somebody to a magazine rack and wait 5 seconds for them to read the headline on a magazine that claims that Jennifer Aniston has had a vagina transplant so she can get Brad back, and wait for them to figure out that maybe the story is pure bullshit.

Now that you have completed these relatively easy tasks, do two ore things my Kittens.

Go up to a stranger on the street and tell them how a cartoon garden gnome will keep them safe from swine flu, and wait 5 seconds for a response.

Then, once you have done that, go order yourself a large black coffee somewhere and start counting 5-4-3-2-……………………..

“Genius ain’t anything more than elegant common sense.”

~ Josh Billings

Thanks to my life’s inspiration Kelly for the quote, the topic and as always the love.


Bookmark and Share



Digg!

submit to reddit

Bookmark this on Delicious

Advertisements

~ by jeff on November 4, 2009.

6 Responses to “The Five Second Rule”

  1. […] the people who foolishly sailed into pirate waters were fairly retarded in their action, that their governments don’t care enough about them to go and take them away from some men who live on a beach in […]

  2. […] the people who foolishly sailed into pirate waters were fairly retarded in their action, that their governments don’t care enough about them to go and take them away from some men who live on a beach in […]

  3. […] that have left me both baffled and ready to shit a chicken. The first one was written about in this very blog where the Toronto Star wrote a story in their Health section about how Cocoa Rice Krispies… I truly thought that was the mother load. Boy was I […]

  4. […] that have left me both baffled and ready to shit a chicken. The first one was written about in this very blog where the Toronto Star wrote a story in their Health section about how Cocoa Rice Krispies… I truly thought that was the mother load. Boy was I […]

  5. […] The media got everyone into a nice frothy terrified state and boosted their ratings and some very rich people made a crapload of money selling the flu shot to countries and patients. Even the very source of this story, The Toronto Star newspaper also warned us that Coco Rice Krispies aren’t a cure for H1N1. […]

  6. […] The media got everyone into a nice frothy terrified state and boosted their ratings and some very rich people made a crapload of money selling the flu shot to countries and patients. Even the very source of this story, The Toronto Star newspaper also warned us that Coco Rice Krispies aren’t a cure for H1N1. […]

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

 
%d bloggers like this: