Kittens as a writer I can selfishly say that out of the great big sack of goodies that human mammals have invented since we stopped being monkeys and started doing other things, words and language certainly have to rank high up there as one of our cooler inventions. You can’t put a price tag on them, nobody owns them outright, you can use them however or whenever you want and nobody and not even small pack of men who think that an invisible tyrant in the sky will give them a bunch of virgins if they fly a plane into some words can knock them down. Words can’t be seen but they are stronger than anything mankind has yet to build or try to blow up and knock over.

Yup. Words are pretty fuckin cool and if you truly appreciate words and eventually grasp the mechanics of them sooner or later you are going to stand in absolute awe of the way they are sometimes used and abused. They are rather like blues music that way.It’s not really enough to know which notes are blues notes, but why they needed to be played and mostly very frighteningly, why middle class fat bulbous white men should never ever be allowed to play them.

Being both an atheist and non-American can have both it’s advantages and disadvantages. It comes in handy when travelling to other parts of the word and when somebody asks where you are from you can say “I’m Canadian.” It’s always lovely when suddenly you notice the angry look melt away from the person who asked and suddenly they start speaking to you as an adult and not a simple minded bratty child with pudding on his shirt. It really comes in handy not being American and you find yourself dining in a restaurant and when you tell them you are Canadian suddenly you are usually guaranteed that the chef won’t jerk off in your entree. I say usually because it isn’t truly for certain since just because somebody is a good neighbor who keeps their lawn mowed and picks up their dog shit, if you still live in a bad part of town like North America people should still generally treat you with mistrust.

If you’re the kind of atheist like myself who doesn’t think that atheist should be guilty of the same sort of behaviour of religion like Richard Dawkins and his sheepole followers who like to prance around telling people what to believe and what to think you just tend to go it peace. You see the whole things an outsider and just look at religion as a scene of futility much like jerking off the dog so you can feed the cat. You don’t really think it should be taken away because people should be free to believe what they choose, but you also don’t really think it should be tax free state sanctioned or encouraged either. Kind of like child rape. You just sort of wish it will eventually go away so we can get on with other abusive and rapey things.

With all of this in mind, if you are going to take words, the outsider view from the cheap seats on America and religion and want to watch them all magnificently collide you have to be wonderfully baffled by the sheer terrifying abuse of the privilege of stupidity that is the ground zero mosque. It’s like watching Don Draper go completely bat shirt Death Star.

So 70% of Americans think that this mosque that is going to be built not actually at ground zero but several blocks away in the opposite direction is a bad idea. They call it an insult because several years ago a few numbering less than a baseball team wanted to prove to the world that their divine forgiving and wise invisible man in the sky had a bigger dick so they killed thousand of people to prove it.


A few years later we all know how that well that worked out. Somebody changed wrote a song about a boot in an ass, there were freedom fries, thousands more people get killed, late night talk show hosts have the best running joke they could ever hope for and so on. Thankfully during this whole mess sanity prevailed and obese American could go back to order super sized orders of french fries again presumably because the extra syllable in freedom versus french was putting too much of a strain on their double chins and there were too many whip lash casualties at the drive thru windows. Later this was to become part of a massive cover up as to why the insurance industry failed, but I digress.

Out of the 100% of Americans scampering around down there 70% or them want to make sure nobody ever build a mosque anywhere ever again just in case it may possibly offended somebody, 80% of those same people believe in a god. They think he performs miracles, they believe in angels, cures the sick, heals the blind, has a pet easter bunny and that once he created everything, everywhere that has ever been and always will be. Most of those 80% also think that man and dinosaurs lived together on the earth at the same time like the Flinstones. It seems perfectly reasonable to creationists that a man who would have been roughly 4’7″ back then would saddle up a triceratops and ride him like a coin operated pony ride. They also think it makes perfect sense that a small man could boldly walk up to a triceratops weighing several tons and that the animal wouldn’t simply eat him and his family.

Now that we’ve settled where the vast majority of the people who have opinions on this mosque also keep the true north compass aimed at for other things that they tend to have opinions about regarding science, carbon dating and pesky fact checking, we should probably notice a few words that all of them are very fond of. I say all because if there is one thing just like words that every society uses and understands is money and it’s written all over theirs. In God We Trust.

In god we trust is on every bit of American currency and it’s there because their founding forefathers put it there on purpose. It doesn’t say something actually useful or even try to include other people like “in god we hope” it just says in god we trust. This isn’t very hard to believe because these were also the same men who said “all men are created equal.” These men were also wealthy white land owners who kept stables of slaves (in Jeffersons case he also enjoyed raping several of them) who despite what their history books say about leaving their home lands so they could be free, were tossed out of their countries because of their upsetting religious puritanical beliefs and practices. If you have forgotten that fact and the words money talks and bullshit walks remember that still to this day governments don’t ask rich tax payers to get the hell out unless they are causing severe civil distress. Much the same way Osama Bin Laden was banished from his homeland of Saudi Arabia. Yeah, just like that.


The Americans know so much about money that in most ways they only barely qualify as technically being called a country and they’ve certainly lost the right to being called a super power country. They haven’t won any wars all on their own ever, nobody really gives a toss what they think (for good reason) and we’ve seen proof that if you want to upset them and make them sad all you have to do is just say you are going to maybe do something that they don’t all totally agree with and also don’t do themselves. In short America is just a cable television provider with an admittedly impressive gift shop.

People with enough money that says in god we trust all over it, and enough political clout to buy some time on one of their cable news infomercial channels are screaming themselves red white and blue that these people shouldn’t be allowed to build a building near where another building used to be. Other people with lots of money that says in god we trust all over say they want to build a place near what is now the words most depressing dog park and doesn’t even have a water slide or anything fun to do and go on television saying it is they’re right to do so. One side who believes in a talking snake says no and the other side who believes that bad people get 72 virgins as a reward for murder says yes, and nobody asked the virgins how they feel about the whole damn thing. Even the snake is keeping his mouth shut which itself is amusing because if you believe their comic book, a snake and a big apple started this whole mess to begin with when humans were teaching velociraptors how to fetch, sit and roll over.

Sitting out here in the cheap seat being neither religious or American you tend to see things with perspective. Immediately you notice that people believe some pretty goofy things and are too lazy to bother questioning what their slave owners have been telling them for thousands of years. You also notice from afar that if this mosque is built it’s going to do just what every other building does in that neighbor hood. It’s going to make lots and lots of money and all of it is going to say “in god we trust” all over it. Naturally they will think it’s their god, and their god only.


(It’s real Kittens and here’s proof)

It will be alongside strip bars, porno shops, dollar stores and fast food chains. Popeyes chicken uses only halal meat and nobody gets pissed off at that when they want a massive heart crushing sandwich for lunch near ground zero. They also don’t complain about the muslim guy who sells cheap house wares manufactured in China, a Communist country just like Cuba which Americans aren’t allowed to visit and for damned sure nobody wants to see the strip clubs disappear. The girls who work there sure ain’t virgins but if you tip them well, they’ll dress like one. Maybe even a Catholic school girl.


(No, I didn’t spend at least an hour looking at this in the privacy of a dark corner okay?)

You also tend to notice a great big dressing vacant lot where the World Trade Center used to be. Nobody has lifted a finger to build anything there since it went down and it looks like an amusement park if it was designed by a Soviet Russian novelist. You can’t even walk into the middle of it and find a guy with a hot dog cart, halal meat or otherwise. A new building would create jobs, be a part of the healing process that these folks just can’t seem to be bothered getting on with and it would generate tax revenue which would be a god thing in a shitty economy. Oh wait….it would generate not just some taxes, it would generate a fuck load of taxes.

If this mosque gets built it’s going to have one thing in common with every other business (and that’s all faith is, it’s a business just like Tony Robbins or The Muppet Show) and it’s going to make money. Lots of it. Unlike those other business though, it’s not going to have to pay any taxes. Places of worship are tax exempt. Millions of dollars saying in god we trust will be made and in the rare case of churches, mosques synagogues and all of the other big brand name cults, it’s about the only time money and those words are actually fitting. It’s a pretty sweet deal they have. A place of worship can set up their slave barn anywhere they want and in this case a really damned expensive chunk of real estate and not have to cough up any of their loot in taxes.

Thousands of years have passed and people are still bitching, fighting and killing each other over who’s god has the biggest prick. Or is that which prick has the bigger cock? Maybe it’s which cock is or isn’t a total cunt. Oh fuck it, at least they all agree that who or whatever their god is, they at least trust them enough to put it on something important, like money.

If the people who didn’t want a mosque there really wanted to fairly make it go away and not be a howling batch of racist bigots like their for fathers, they could simply change one law and make them pay taxes. If the mosque had to pay taxes their budget would go through the roof (or minaret in this case) and not even Allah could save them. They’d fire the bulldozing magic carpet and set up shop somewhere less expensive just like any other business.

Naturally this will never happen because then you’d have to tax every church, mosque and synagogue and the whole problem begins again. What is good for one group isn’t good for another, even when the product is an invisible male.

One thing is for certain though. If they ever did pull off such a field levelling feat everyone would want their god printed on every bodies money and since that couldn’t logistically happen they’d have to settle on something easy, catchy and some words that were meant for all of us by all of us. A nice tidy slogan that couldn’t even start a cola war. Something like “In Humans We Trust, Not Because We Want To, But Because We Have To…At least A little Bit.”

Okay so it’s not very catchy, but I’m working on it.


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~ by jeff on August 31, 2010.

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