It’s Almost 2010, Where Is My Flying Car?

So my Kittens, here we are nearing the end of yet another year and barreling towards 2010 and whoop-dee-doo. Since I have never really cared about New Years as a holiday I have just one question that I would finally want an answer to. The future is here so where the fuck are the flying cars?

When we were kids and forced by the state to attend the conformatorium school system when the teachers weren’t busy trying to destroy our individuality and self esteem once and a while they threw us a bone by telling us that when we eventually bowed to our corporate masters we would be rewarded with the luxuries of the future.

We would sit through movies in the classroom indoctrinating us about all of the wonders the modern world would hold for us when we grew up to be obedient slave-cogs in the machine. They promised us great wonderful rewards for our servitude. Robot butlers, ion powered roller skates, nuclear fission tooth brushes, moving sidewalks, Tang, vacations on Mars, an end to war and disease, form fitting jumpsuits, meals in a tube, gleaming silver zeppelin back packs and naturally….flying cars.

Here we are several years later and most of the soul dead adults that were wide eyed hopeful kids when we were promised all of these things swallowed the pill and believed the propaganda and guess what? It’s almost 2010 and still no flying fucking cars.

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At the time it seemed plausible because mankind had a decent record of accomplishing some pretty cool things. We had sent some men to the moon to play golf, Vietnam was over and even though the Russians were still acting very Soviet at least they were keeping their cool about war. Televisions had become big hulking leviathans that when you turned them on not only did they have more channels from far away exotic locations like Tonawanda New York, but they would draw so much electricity that the street lights would go dim.

Even travelling to far away places even became easier. The Concorde was built and now you could fly to Europe in 2 hours at supersonic speed in the height of comfort. Flying cars seemed inevitable. Right?

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Certainly things are different now then they were when I was a kid and here we are heading into 2010 and instead of flying cars and all of the wonderful things we were promised we have pretty much gotten exactly the opposite.

There are no flying cars or even moving sidewalks. You can’t even go to a mall or on the subway without finding a broken escalator. Even the mighty Concorde has been retired and was never replaced. Now here in the future it takes longer to fly to Europe than it did when I was a kid because of this and to make the longer trip even more fun you also have less leg room and get to enjoy a cavity search before you are allowed to get on the plane.

The reason you will end up having a man with large hands and a bad attitude look inside your ass before you are allowed to take your expensive coach seat is because instead of the end to war that we were promised there are now more than ever and there is a security risk every time you venture outside of your home.

Also unlike the wonderful future we were sold venturing outside doesn’t just mean somebody might want to blow themselves up while you are trying to buy some genetically modified prunes, it also means that now we can get a batch of fun new diseases that nobody can seem to cure. In the modern world if you want a pill to give you a boner that lasts seven days you have your choice of flavours just like bagels or ice cream. The same goes for methods to look younger, tighter and have bigger fake tits.

If you need a cure for any of the new diseases however you are pretty much screwed because nobody is actually curing any of them.

Thankfully though since we can’t fly in reasonable old fashioned comfort and time anymore the modern world has made it possible for us not to have to go outside and either be fire bombed or catch monkey pox because we can just simply plug in, get wired and bring the world to us in the comfort of our own home and never have to leave except to buy more and more gadgets on credit at 35% interest.

You can look at pictures of the places you can’t be bothered to go to and cyber bang the people you don’t have to go and actually meet anymore while texting your friends that you met online and tell them to read the blog you just wrote about you one remaining feeling that is just like some song you like on YouTube that thankfully you remembered to ReTweet just so somebody might see it and have a greater insight into that thought you ambiently had once.

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There are no vacations on Mars because man doesn’t even play volleyball on the moon anymore. Billions and billions of dollars later all we do now is circle around the earth in shuttles that frequently explode and will soon be retired like the Concorde. We have however gotten rather good at making sure plenty of satellites are in orbit because without mobile phones that take pictures so we can instantly post pictures of them on Facebook we wouldn’t be able to stop what we were doing to show our online friends what we were doing. We also sure aren’t going to have any robot butlers anytime soon because then we wouldn’t need Febreeze to cover up the smell of our filth and since we aren’t interested in going other planets it isn’t like we will be entertaining any aliens for dinner parties anyways. Not that the god some people still believe in would approve because that would mean he didn’t exist to disapprove.

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Oddly the one thing that we are close to that nobody really wanted when we were kids is food in a tube, or others horrors close to it. Now most families don’t bother cooking a nutritious meal together because you can microwave chemically enriched and preserved pancakes, bacon, waffles, meatloaf, Sunday roast beef, Tater Tots, scrambled eggs, chicken nuggets and cheeseburgers in a fucking can. Then you can wonder why your 13 year old video game addicted kid is massively obese needs a heart transplant and has diabetes.

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We know that we aren’t going to be getting our flying cars anytime soon because not only are the car makers all bankrupt, but the road driven cars that they currently make suck more than than they did 30 years ago. Cars used to last 20 years if you took care of it and maintained it regularly now, they are designed to wear out in 8 years. You could drive a 79 Mercury into a wall and the wall would break before the car did but now you don’t dare to your SUV to do anything remotely sport or utility inclined or you may dent the plastic bumper.

The flying car we were promised are about as likely as Buck Rogers sitting frozen in space right now waiting to be retrieved and brought back to a post apocalyptic earth. That hasn’t happened yet either because there would be no profit in sending a spandex clad man into space looking for interesting things to bring home. Oh, that and we don’t know how to do it because we aren’t trying.

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We can Google anything. Anything. There is no limit to the things we can learn if we just ask the right questions. The science fiction we were taught as children to fully expect to become science faction could be reality if we wanted it to be but the problem is, is that we don’t or at the very least don’t care anymore. We just don’t have the chops for the big stuff anymore because we are too distracted.

There is no need for a supersonic jet to Europe anymore when you can satisfy your need to look at pictures of far away places on your internet phone while you are buying one of 48 different kinds of coffee from the comfort of your still not airborne car.

Most have become the passive and obedient sheepole just like they were trained to be when I was a kid, except they forgot all about their flying cars and didn’t even bother trying to invent one. We used to have time to dream these things up and then go into the lab or the workshop and figure out how to make them work, but we don’t do that anymore because with 1000 channels on television, war, disease, Ikea, mobile browsers, massive credit bills, terrorism and U2 tickets, who has the time?

Maybe it is a good thing we don’t have flying cars after all. I’m not certain that I would trust modern man to pilot one successfully without crashing it into cloud because he would be too distracted. I think I’ll just remember the future as it was presented to us as kids in the best way possible walk to work instead.


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~ by jeff on November 23, 2009.

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