Thank You For Smoking


Today my precious honkies we are going to be discussing something that isn’t very funny. Clowns. Those despicable vermin that are allowed to roam the planet and for some bizarre reason, people actually hire them to come into their home and terrorize their children.

I know by now my Kittens you may be asking yourselves “what’s so fucked up about clowns?” They are just there to entertain and make some kids birthday party entertaining, and besides it gives the adults a chance to get out of the living room and hit the spiked punch so that they can forget about their empty meaningless shells they implausibly refer to as “lives.”


You see Kittens, I hate clowns. I don’t just mean hate, I mean HATE them. I have never had a bad experience with one, it is just that there is something about a grown man dressing up as a clown so he can have a captive audience with a group of children in the guise of entertainment that freaks me out more than a tad, and generally I don’t think that having those kinds of folks around is a good idea.


We put a great deal of faith in the people to take care of us, and keep us entertained. Entertained means many things, and one of them is to have something to talk about when you go out to TGI Fridays for half price potato skin and karaoke night. Clowns like many other people in life are trusted members of the public that most people blindly believe that they have their best interest at heart and would never ever dream of doing anything to harm them.


It seems impossible to most people that anyone that places themselves in the position of trust may abuse it, and others in the process.


You even find pictures of clowns in doctors offices, a place for healing and embracing a better life for yourself and your family.


It seems however to anyone that pays attention to anything besides super sizing their fast food order that perhaps the public is frequently mislead, and doesn’t feel like asking any questions of the people whom they place their faith, trust and loyalty in, and what they are doing with those things anyway.


Clowns, and people that enjoy dressing up and doing their little song and dance pony show to entertain tend to always have something that they don’t want you to know about, and usually your best interest is never ever EVER part of the equation.


So what do clowns want?


I suppose it depends on their agenda.


You see my dear Kittens, in this world, clowns wear many different suits. In this particular clowns case, this particular weasel is dressed up as what is commonly known as a lobbyist. He’s one of those punks that you have probably heard of, who is employed by the kinds of companies that can afford to pay his kind to pester politicians so that they can get their way, and ultimately make you do what the corporations and their new politician prison bitches want you to do.

We all know and understand this. Even you folks back there in the cheap seats get it. So why are we picking on clown lobbyists today? Here’s why.


By now you are saying “what the fuck is that? Gum? Some new kind of Listerine shite re-branded as Arctic Wonderblast To Your Nutsack?” Nope, that my Kittens is tobacco.

Tobacco companies have come up with a few new and wonderful ideas to make you use their product, and better yet, they have convinced the Americans to let them sell it. That isn’t such a hard task for two reasons. Americans and prolonged exposure to them make you instantly retarded, and they also enjoy buying things like lead based painted Barbie dolls from a communist hell hole that encourages flushing babies down the toilet.

Kittens, the good folks at RJ Reynolds must have been a bit upset. Smokers are probably on the decline, unless you include myself who smokes roughly 100 cigarettes per day. I love them, I enjoy them and yes I know they are going to kill me and if I could still smoke in a bar like a grown up, hopefully you.

RJ Reynolds are the folks responsible for Joe Camel. Joe Camel was such a successful ad campaign that the American government decided to make Joe Camel go away and killed him. Non-smokers (those pussies) didn’t like Joe and made a great deal of racket because they figured they couldn’t resist the hypnotic draw of Joe the smoking cartoon camel and unless he went away it was his fault that they were smokers, sort of like date rape, but without the rapey part.

They bothered the American government and quicker than you can say “cough cough cough” Joe disappeared, never to make free thinking people smoke ever again anywhere.

It wasn’t like tobacco companies haven’t used cartoonish oafs before in their advertising campaigns.


They also don’t feel any remorse for getting their cartoon titties out to swoon us.


If all of those cartoons didn’t bring the customers into the stores, then they brought out the bog guns and resorted to celebrity endorsements and common sense.


When RJ Reynolds decided to increase their sales, they must have had a hard time. Us smokers are treated like scurvy ridden vagrant gypsies who hate god and poison the water supply. I assure those of you non-smokers out there were are not the Scientologists you fear we are, we just wish to co-exist alongside you all, and collect your hair samples for our experiments.

The quick thinkers at RJ Reynolds must have latched onto the fact that people can’t smoke in bars like grown ups anymore, and that kids tend to have a hard time smoking in class, unlike when i was a kid who fashioned a Bic pen into a pipe so I could smoke angel dust in math class. We all know that people intent on selling us a sack of poison are usually more resourceful than those of us who don’t want it, so they came up with dissolvable tobacco products. Ideal for club goers, people at work, and especially kids who sneak into their parents stash the same way they raid the liquor cabinet.

So what is this fucked up shit that sounds like a Simpsons episode without the yucks anyways? Ummm….it’s this…

RJ Reynolds says;

“The dissolvable products — a pellet (Camel Orbs), a twisted stick the size of a toothpick (Camel Sticks), and a film strip for the tongue (Camel Strips), are made from finely ground flavored tobacco. The products melt in the mouth within three to 30 minutes. RJR said the Strips melt fastest, the toothpick-like Sticks dissolve in about 10 minutes, and the pellet-size Orbs last the longest.

The nicotine delivery of the products is said to be high: whereas a cigarette smoker typically takes in about 1 milligram of nicotine, the Camel Dissolvables are said to deliver about 0.6 to 3.1 mg of nicotine each.

R.J. Reynolds released Camel Orbs in the Selected Cities: at Super Speedway in Columbus, Ohio, and Indiana polis, Indiana, and the Plaid Pantry in Portland, Oregon.
Camel Sticks, flavor mellow, will be released in Spring 2009, and the Strips in the flavor fresh will be release in summer 2009. Nation Release date is undisclosed.”

There you have it Kittens. The American public is trying out a product that will make mouth cancer look seem like having a chunk of parsley in your teeth, and better yet, it’s easier for kids to get a hold of it. You can stash it easier than a pack of Marlboro Lights, and if your typical half wit parents do find your tobacco strips in your jock strap while doing laundry it will be easy to tell them it is a breath freshener, unlike your porn stash which was way harder to convince them that it was for your health class.

Can we blame RJ Reynolds for trying to sell us this shit? Nope. They have a responsibility to sell as much tobacco as they can. I should know, I smoke a FUCKING TON OF IT.

Joe Camel didn’t make me want to smoke, he was a cartoon. My friends didn’t make me want to smoke, they were retarded kids that listened to Rush. My parents didn’t make me want to smoke, they always smelled and used to make me go to the store and buy them some and never gave me money for anything for myself while I was doing it. Nope, I wanted to smoke because I wanted to know what it was like.

I have to admit it Kittens, I love smoking, I really do. It will kill me, but so will your cars, your consumerism, your politics, your cologne, your fast food emissions and your apathy.

It is however pretty fucked up that the American government who can at least be self serving enough to understand the health care system allows these things to make their way onto the market so that smart kids can get a hold of them and nosh away on a tobacco product in front of their teachers and parents without them even knowing about it.

If you ever need proof that your politicians are for sale, remember the tobacco strips. They aren’t a substitute, tobacco is a leaf. Leaves don’t dissolve without the help of winter. These are toxic cancerous chemicals being sold to kids openly and with the blessing of a very large government that ours does business with, and soon enough they will be here for your kids to hide from you.

The free market is a wonderful thing, and the public has a responsibility to keep itself educated as to what it is being sold. I recall a guy who brought about the free market and democracy in the former Soviet Union so that people could be free to purchase whatever the hell they wanted. I wonder what he would think of tobacco strips, and the lobbyists who bribed the politicians to allow them to be sold to kids.



~ by jeff on June 2, 2009.

7 Responses to “Thank You For Smoking”

  1. Firstly, what store owner in their right mind put TOBACCO on the front side of the counter? No store owner, that’s who. And if they do, shot them. Shoot them now. (I’m looking at YOU, Wal-mart.) “Good Housekeeping”, my tail-end… “Paranoid, Ignorant White Anglo-Saxon Protestant Mothers of America”, is more like it.

    My theory is they either legalize all controlled substances and let the human race rot itself out (you know, faster), OR ban tobacco. Either or, methinks people just need to get smarter about how they think. If they think at all.

  2. Sure they will. They are in the business to make money. Store owners will put it right alongside Slushies, Deep fried pork rinds, porno DVDs, turbo dogs, fashion magazines and all the other shit they sell that is going to kill you so they can make a buck.

  3. That Chesterfield ad is awesome. I also want to put it out there that I think that Skoal tobacco is fucking disgusting. So many people in the States chew this shit. Dirty, dirty, dirty.

  4. clowns are terrifying.
    that is all.

  5. I almost didn’t read this because of the clown angle — the one photo of that fucker with the green hair and the lollipop nearly made me curl into the fetal position and cry myself to sleep. But once I got past the crippling horror those photos unleashed on my as-yet-asleep psyche, I thoroughly enjoyed the rest of the article.

    Like you, I started smoking not because it was cool, or because my parents did, or because somebody on television told me to. I too wanted to see what it was like — turns out I liked it, and still do.

    But the whole idea of selling all these “substitutes” is genuinely stupid. I mean, even leaving aside the “kids will think it’s candy” angle, this shit never works the way it’s supposed to. Remember our office’s brief fascination with electronic cigarettes? Yeah, how long did that last exactly? Oh, right — about as long as the battery did. And we all still smoked real cigarettes “like grownups” anyway.

    Fuck this noise. If you’re gonna smoke, be a man and smoke it. Or chew, if you prefer, but then you have to carry a receptacle for your disgusting spit, because it’s bad form to hawk up tobacco juice all over somebody’s shoes — even in Texas.

    • Not only that, it’s not like kids can’t hide that shit from teachers or parents, now think about the cost of treating mouth cancer for a generation of under 20 year olds because their retarded parents couldn’t smell smoke on them. Yup, it’s gonna be fun

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