The Wednesday Douche Bag Awards!!!!

G’Day my little gerkins. It’s not widely known that here at the almighty Keep Your Coins, I Want Change Towers, our staff work tirelessly around the clock to bring you the latest in local and global current events and social injustices. Not content to merely sit hunched over in a dark corner chain smoking cigarettes and sneaking shots of cheap whiskey under a desk whilst reading the news on the internet, we fly our correspondents around the world to find you the choicest of nuggets for your reading pleasure. Staff tirelessly research (pick through their pockets for bits of matchbooks and cocktail napkins that have been scribbled upon) for topical subjects for me, the fearless and intrepid leader to entertain and inform our readership about. It was during our weekly creative thunder meeting that it was decided we needed to be a bit less ‘ragey’ and a bit more ‘CNNey’, at least one day a week. You know, so the Americans might understand it. We hear some of them actually walk amongst us here in Canada, probably collecting hair samples.

It was during this meeting that we decided there is nothing Americans enjoy (vaguely grasp the concept of) than award shows. After several cigarettes and a vikings amount of ale it all became clear. Wednesday was to be a battle royale where we would pit the douchiest against each other and we would have the Mighty Wednesday Douche Bag Awards!!!! You are encouraged (ordered) to vote in the comments section for the contestant you find to be the douchiest of the two. Each month a grand champion shall be selected by a panel of experts (rock paper scissors) based upon the readers feedback and will receive an award. Probably a lifetime membership to the Rick Astley devotion society.

Our contenders this week are;

Afghanistan vs. Madonna

First up, Afghanistan

Today in Afghanistan roughly one thousand Afghans (the people, not the carpets) swarmed a demonstration of 300 women that were protesting a new conservative marriage law that states a husband can demand sex with his wife every four days unless she is ill or would be harmed by intercourse. The women were pelted with rocks and called ‘whores’ by the crowd while they protested the Taliban like restrictions on women. The law, approved by both houses of Parliament and signed by President Hamid Karzai, applies to the Shiite minority only, essentially giving clerics authority over intimate matters between women and men.

It seems the leader of Afghanistan, Mr Karzai not only doesn’t mind it if men get a bit rapey with their wives, but he endorses it. Afghanistan relies heavily on the United States and Canada has come under criticism from both countries, with the usual results. That is to say, none.

As Canadians we all know that we suck at sports that involve balls. Baseball, football (American style and the real kind), golf, tennis, basketball and boccie. This is because as a society we haven’t collectively grown a pair ourselves. By fighting and dying on the side of Karzai we are publicly declaring that we will tolerate these kinds of things, and our only protest comes in the form of a gentile tsk tsk tsk. The women who are being enslaved by the clerics of Afghanistan are willing to be called whores while being pelted with rocks to protest Afghanistan’s latest human rights atrocity, and we’re afraid of hurting the feelings of the people doing the enslaving.

Canadian society may be a pack of horrifying pussies, and could learn just about everything from the women who had the courage and lions strength of heart to publicly protest this abomination under threat of physical hard or death, but we sure ain’t Afghanistan. Any country that issues public declaration of what amounts to slavery and open abuse of women are truly douches, and deserve to have our support yanked at once. Our soldiers should be on the first plane home unless we plan on smacking living hell out of the puppet government of Afghanistan and giving the people their basic human rights back on a tray.

Afghanistan, and Mr Karzai in particular for endorsing the sexual and physical abuse of women in the name of religion, and taking hand outs from the world to stay in power, you are truly a douche bag.

Next up, Madonna

It’s a widely known fact that reading (or caring about) gossip columns is akin to repeatedly bashing your head off of the corner of a coffee table until you are incontinent and forgetful of recent events and peoples names. In the spirit of that, this weeks contender selection is Madonna.

It goes without saying that news of Madonnas latest kidnapping of a African orphan attempt didn’t register on the Keep Your Coins radar. If Madonna wants to go to Malawi and show the locals what a leotarded vagina looks like, then that’s her business. Apparently however, the government stepped in when she tried to stuff another child in it and take it home.

Not content to own David Banda, the first child she kidnapped from Africa (and subsequently freaked the world out by doing), she attempted abduct another child named Mercy James, presumably so she could act out an old timey western. Well sadly Madonnas big day never came and her newest accessory has to stay on the shelf for a while longer. A Malawian court ruled on Friday that U.S. pop star Madonna cannot be granted an interim adoption of a second child from the country, three court sources said. Rights groups have accused Malawian authorities of giving her special treatment.Malawian civil society groups opposed the adoption attempt and a local human rights activist said it would amount to child trafficking.

Normally this would be a good thing, and a messege to other celebrities looking to spruce up their image who believe that African adoption is the new black. Madonna however isn’t going to take a little inconvienience like human rights or the rule of law lying down and vows to capture Mercy James no matter what.

“I want to provide Mercy with a home, a loving family environment and the best education and healthcare possible,” quoted her as saying.

“Though I’ve been advised that I cannot publicly discuss the pending appeal regarding my desire to adopt Mercy, I do want to say how much I appreciate the level of support I have received from the people of Malawi and my friends around the world,” she added.

Madonna leaves out the point that after seizing David Banda, she set up an orphanage with Michael Berg, the son of Philip Berg, rabbi and Dean of the Kabbalah Centre in America called Raising Malawi orphan care centre at Mphandula, 30 miles outside the capital Lilongwe, which will provide day care for up to 4,000 children. So far, so charitable. What is not widely known in Malawi, however, is that in return for their financial support, Madonna and Michael Berg have instructed staff to teach Kabbalah to the orphans in their care.

To that end, last November, a team of Malawians were flown out to the States for an intensive three-month course in Kabbalah, so that they could teach it to orphans back in Malawi.

Madonna paid off the Malawi government so she could abscond with David Banda before they realized what was happening, and let’s face it, they needed the money. This time however they in a fit of once bitten twice shy they decided Mercy James was better off in the care of her own people and told Madonna to put her cheque book, and men with nets away.

Ever determined to get what she wants, more human lives, Madonna publicly fights on despite what the people of Malawi, the courts or Mercy James wants.

What a douche.

Vote now!!!!


~ by jeff on April 15, 2009.

2 Responses to “The Wednesday Douche Bag Awards!!!!”

  1. vote: Afghanistan. There’s a great documentary British journalist, John Pilger did called Breaking the Silence: Truth and Lies in the War on Terror, where he documents the return of the Taliban and how nothing has really changed at all. Even though it was made 6 years ago, it’s still relevant today.

    Madonna may be building a child army of Jewish mystics, but she is nothing compared to a country.

  2. Madonna building a child army is one thing, but with her dumping tons of Madonna bucks into an impoverished nation she is trying to buy it.

    As for Afghanistan, there was a reason Alexander the Great went around it. It’s a hell hole that should be avoided at all costs. If our country had any balls, we’d offer sanctuary and transport to anyone who wished to leave and play by our rules, and leave the rest to fight it out amongst themselves on their turf.

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