Map Donalds

Do you know what that map is my Kittens? I’ll give you three guesses.

1) No it isn’t every location where Ryan has picked a pocket in America, although you’d be well within your senses to make that your first guess. He’s like the entire Oceans 11 crew but faster and more accurate than a stinger missile.

(Two seconds before this picture was taken, I had just finished drinking that very beer)

2) No this is not every spot where Ryans stalker has dropped one of her children on their head, but again you are close Kittens.

(She once sent Ryan her panties in the mail, but police dogs sniffed something odd and the parcel was destroyed for security purposes)

3) Finally no my Kittens. These are not all of the spots in America where George Michael has wiggled his pork sword at another man in a public washroom.

(Jesus I wonder what Andrew Ridgley is up to these days)

(Holy shit!! That’s Andrew Ridgley and what he is up to these days!! Wham!!!)

That map is none of those things my Kittens. It is something far more terrifying than every location of baby hurling, grifter and wiener dangling combined. It is every Mc Donalds location in America.

(I know Kittens, I did exactly the same thing when I saw it)

If ever you are wonder why exactly the world is going to explode into a burning glowing goopey ball of liquid rock and molten house pets, this is one of the reasons. Ready for some more? Oh sure you are. Let’s really make ourselves sick shall we, but this time no more guessing games. This my Kittens is a 2007 map of every Wal Mart in America.

(Are we begining to see a pattern yet?)

Let’s go one further. This is another map of America taken from space showing how many light bulbs are burning bright every night in the good old USA 365 days per year.

(So many light bulbs….so few bright people)

Oh, there’s one last thing Kittens. This is what many people with many dollars think is the best way to conquer climate change.

(Yeah this is going to work out just greeeeeat)

So Kittens since you are nothing if not a clever gaggle of loyal followers you are probably thinking the obvious. “We’re fucked aren’t we?”

Yup, we sure are.

Every once and a while here at the Mighty Keep Your Coins blog we like to tangle with a few of our favorite retards and have a nice chew on them. Perhaps you may have noticed this during your daily reads. You know who I mean. Cannibals, arsonists, rapists, criminals, celebrities, terrorists, the clergy and those vile horrible animals…consumers. Consumers who think that by calling themselves “green” and pretending to care about the planet that we ALL have to share makes everything all better. The people who just can’t seem to shop less and consume less crap so they would rather pretend to use a few gastly inefficient gadgets that make hippies feel all sqwooshy inside and not actually help anything at all. Oh, except the people who can afford such things. You know, rich fat white people.

(He’s making the world a better place, one bite at a time)

Those maps my Kittens aren’t just there so that we can all gag on the vast sprawling fast food nation that is America. It represents the average Americans carbon footprint. The plain old Joe and Jane Schmo who goes to a drive thru a few times a week, goes to Wal Mart roughly as often and regardless of political or religious beliefs are just living their daily American lives. They all have cars, kids, houses to light and heat and big American mouths to feed. Feed with fucking Mc Donalds. This Kittens, is why the world is a shit hole. Not because we don’t have enough of what we need, but because this horrible place takes far more than they need and and they have the gigantic credit card bills and asses to prove it.

(The only thing that keeps most Americans together)

So what are people doing to solve the problem of our planet becoming nothing more than an orbiting spherical blow torch? Who is doing the thinking for everyone anyways? Do we have an actual champion for the planet that is going to make certain that the fish in the sea don’t start melting and the birds in the sky become flaming meteors that plummet to earth and burning feathered death blossoms?

(Oooops….that’s an earlier pic)

(Ahh…there we go…that’s the one I was looking for)

This billionaire walrus and others just like him would have all of us believe that by flying around the world in a private jet talking to other rich white people who can afford a ticket to one of his speaking engagements and having fun celebrations like earth day is going to solve everything. Chunk O’ Funk never ever addresses the real cause of environmental disasters, the massive carbon footprint of American consumerism.

(After 9/11 George W. told America that the best way to fight terrorism was to go shopping. I doubt he had to bother)

You know who has an incredibly small carbon footprint my Kittens? This guy.

(A rare example of truth in advertising)

That’s right. Hobos are environmental masterpieces that nobody ever tries to mimic. They freecycle like motherfuckers because they have to. They’ll forage for empty beer cans to recycle for pennies, scrounge for things to fill their small homes (assuming they have one) as well as for food, spare change that would just end up in a jar and wear recycled clothes.

Hobos don’t eat at Mc Donals every fucking day, use much electricity or drive a car. They may live in one, but it doesn’t take any trips to Disney World. You won’t find any hobos shopping for tons of items manufactured in India, Pakistan and China the three greatest polluters on earth at Wal Mart and can bet your ass that a hobo even if they do have a small apartment to call their own leaves the lights on when they don’t have to because they pay an electric bill. Hobos are examples to us all. Except for the lack of bathing because some things are worth splurging on.

Poor people don’t have to compost either. They don’t have the luxury of throwing food away. Everything is used and re-used until it can’t be used anymore. There are no massive sprawling suburban homes for a poor person to heat and light unlike the average American and unless they are dropping in for a cup of soup, they don’t go to a gigantic church once a week that doesn’t pay any taxes but does consume an incredible amount of energy although people only go there ONCE A FUCKING WEEK.

(The average American “green” consumer)

Earth Days, windmills, expensive light bulbs, Greenpeace, paper bags and hybrid Hummers are all bullshit Kittens. They make people feel good, but they are bullshit pure and simple. Unless you can convince most Americans to sell their homes, give the money away to those less fortunate than they are, burn all of their shit and go and live like a homeless person then the battle against climate change will always be a losing one because Americans just can’t live unless they have more and more stuff.

In the interest of reality let’s try something slightly less drastic so I shall give you some homework today Kittens. Try to convince Americans to stop going to Mc Donalds and Wal Mart quite as much so that half of those locations close or at least reduce the hours that they are open.

Sadly Kittens, I expect to give you all an A for effort, but will be forced to grade you with an F for results.

Bookmark this on Delicious

~ by jeff on October 1, 2009.