Fake ‘n Bake

Rain. Rain. Rain. Rain. Rain. Rain. Rain. Rain. Rain. Rain. Rain. Rain. Rain. Rain. Rain. Rain. Rain. Rain. Rain. Rain. Rain. Rain. Rain. Rain. Rain. Rain. Rain. Fucking rain.

Actually Kittens, I should confess. I don’t mind the rain as much as most people do. I’m a limey so rain pretty much goes hand in hand with pints of bitter, HP Sauce, Camilla Parker Bowles and football hooliganism. It’s raining yet again. Big deal. The only real downside to it is when I go out for a cigarette and I have to huddle with other smokers in a doorway like a pack of lawless vagrants.

It is a bit of a downer though. It makes sitting on a patio a bit soggy and all the grey can wear you down after a while. A person has to tend to find things to cheer themselves up once and a while to keep things in perspective.

(I bought this at Michael Jacksons garage sale)

Hmmmmm….close. Not cheery enough though. I wonder if there is something interesting in the news that might give me a good chuckle.

Oooooohhhh…..goodie! This should do rather nicely!!

Tanning beds rated as top-tier cancer risk

Tanning beds are as deadly as mustard gas, arsenic, plutonium and other known carcinogens, international cancer experts have ruled.

The International Agency for Research on Cancer yesterday moved UV tanning beds and ultraviolet radiation to its highest cancer risk category, removing any ambiguity about their threat by labelling them “carcinogenic to humans.”

The move was based on a comprehensive review of studies, which found the risk of skin melanoma increases by 75 per cent when the use of tanning devices starts before the age of 30.

The report, by the agency’s Cancer Monograph Working Group, was published online yesterday in the medical journal Lancet Oncology. The agency is the cancer arm of the World Health Organization.

Until now, ultraviolet radiation and UV tanning equipment have been classified as “probably carcinogenic to humans.” The new classification places them alongside other known cancer-causing agents, including asbestos, benzene and the human papillomavirus.

Cancer experts and advocacy groups welcomed the elevated classification.

“This is important … it is another piece of evidence one can point to from a very conservative and eminent body,” said Dr. David Hogg, a cancer physician at Princess Margaret Hospital. “It doesn’t change my opinion, which is tanning beds are a dangerous carcinogen and should not be used at all.

“I’m seeing increasing numbers of young people who use tanning beds who come to my clinic with melanoma, particularly young women.” A 2008 study by the U.S. National Cancer Institute found the annual incidence of melanoma among young women had risen by 50 per cent since 1980, an increase Canadian experts said was likely also happening north of the border. Melanoma is the deadliest form of skin cancer. In 2009, some 5,000 Canadians will be diagnosed with it and almost 1,000 will die.

In Ontario, the Canadian Cancer Society is calling for restrictions on the industry, including an all-out ban for patrons under the age of 18.

“Raising the classification of tanning devices to the highest cancer risk category further supports the message that there’s no safe way to get a tan,” said Irene Gallagher Jones, a senior manager at the society’s Ontario Division.

According to the Cancer society, artificial tanning lights can emit rays five times stronger than the midday sun.

The cancer society is also advocating for mandated standards for staff who operate tanning beds, a government-run registry of tanning equipment use, and restrictions on advertising to youth, such as ads promoting pre-prom tanning. Last year, Ontario MPP Khalil Ramal introduced a private member’s bill calling for a similar ban, which is before the standing committee on social policy.

New Brunswick, Scotland, France, Germany and at least five Australian states have banned anyone under 18 from accessing artificial tanning equipment. In the U.S., 29 states have restrictions on youths using tanning beds, with many requiring parental consent.

Steven Gilroy, executive director of the Joint Canadian Tanning Association, which represents 1,200 tanning salons across Canada, dismissed the international agency’s report.

“When you dive into the research … there is no increased risk,” he said. The tanning industry has recently promoted the moderate use of artificial tanning as a way to boost vitamin D levels, which tanning proponents say may be associated with lower risk of some forms of cancer.

But Hogg disagrees with the industry claims: “As far as I’m concerned, tanning beds are like cigarettes and the claims by the tanning industry that they are healthy echo claims by the cigarette industry a generation ago and, in my mind, have just as much validity.”

(Sweet jesus……)

Plutonium and mustard gas? And those wieners at Greenpeace are protesting nuclear energy? Holy crap!

Kittens in case you have forgotten all about mustard gas, Big Daddy has a small reminder for you. Mustard gas is what Saddam Hussien liked to spray all over his people and the Kurds. This is why the yanks went to go get him. Well, in fairness that and some oil and to kill some people and to attempt to gain a foothold in the middle east and that didn’t really go as planned. They did say though that mustard gas was part of the reason, kind of like actual mustard at a picnic.

This my Kittens, is what mustard gas on some humans looks like. Prepare to re-examine your breakfast.

(No jokes here…..this ain’t funny)

Before you start licking stamps, and splicing wires for your letter bombs non-Kittens, no Big Daddy isn’t going to be making fun of cancer.

We are going to take aim at how one kind of cancer causing activity is considered taboo, unhealthy and evil and yet others not only aren’t, but openly marketed and sold to people as healthy and good for you. Kind of like how the folks at Greenpeace enjoy doing.

As I have mentioned before Kittens, I am a proud smoker. I say proud because it is a choice I have made and until I chose to quit, i will happily light up whenever I damned well please. They go great with a strong cup of black coffee, a cold lager and after a huge slab of meat. Cigarettes relieve my stress, give me comfort, taste great and I love them. Oh, yeah I know they will kill me but so will the crap belching out of your cars exhaust, the pollution coming from China because you have to fill your homes with a much stuff as possible, your carbon footprint from having to watch a million television channels at once and your selfish blind consumerism.

(You may want to shake hands first)

People hate us smokers. I don’t mean hate us like the way they hate their own lives I mean fucking HATE us. There is a pinchy faced woman who works in our building who told me one day while I was smoking outside that my cigarettes should be illegal. She said this after she parked her massive SUV and toted a bag full of newly purchased plastic wrapped goods into her office in a reusable shopping bag with the World Wildlife Fund logo on it. No Kittens, I am not kidding at all.

Us smokers are forced outside to smoke some cigarettes that we know are bad for us. Even if we didn’t know this before the massive grotesque warning labels are a nice gentle reminder all over the products we choose to buy. In case we forget, the fine folks that make and sell us cigarettes have a built in reminder of this fact. The smokers cough. It’s a sort of hug from a friend to let us know that if we continue, one day we will weeze our last breathe because of them.

(Yummy)

There is one thing about my fellow smokers and I that separate us from other folks like tanning junkies and other folks who choose to indulge in something we enjoy that makes our lives slightly more bearable however my Kittens. We do not claim that our cigarettes are good for us, or that they make us appear to be healthy.

(Go ahead. Tell him how bad cigarettes are. I dare you)

Governments hate us smokers because they say are a huge drain on the health care system. They tax our products saying that we have to pay into the health care system because we take out more than the average healthy person. This is untrue. A smoker who continues to purchase cigarettes will pay in seven times more than we will take out in our abbreviated lifetimes. Our smoking has bought every citizen in every country far my services than we have ever enjoyed ourselves. You’re welcome pinchy faced lady with the SUV. Smokers die sooner, collect less in pensions and the products of our choosing generate billions in revnue for governments. If this were untrue, they would be off the shelves and illegal quicker than you can say “got a light mate?”

They sure do say how much they love healthy green things that are good for the planet and the population though.

(Green is the new orange)

High taxes on cigarettes used to sicken me. I went out of my way to buy bootleg illegal ones and finally found a reliable source in the form of a bent customs officer. He’d peice me off a couple of cartons of Marlboros per week for the bargain price of $20 per carton. It was great and I felt like I was screwing the system. I’ve since decided that was a bit short sighted and it no longer bothers me as much. If the taxes from the cigarettes I choose to smoke are used to treat sick children then I’ll happily pay it. Besides, I think the customs agent was found out and fired.

The Canadian Cancer Society has decided that tanning beds have leap frogged cigarettes as public enemy number one for causes of lethal cancer. That sounds like a reasonable assumption because even my icky cigarettes don’t have the words “mustard gas” or plutonium” associated with them. They figure that you shouldn’t be allowed to use a tanning bed unless you are 18 or older, just like purchasing cigarettes which also seems like a good idea. If kids can’t smoke, then they sure shouldn’t be allowed to be barbecued either.

(He’s actually 15 years old)

Now that some smart folks have figured out that tanning beds being used by people to appear to be healthier than the big bags of vain cancer they really are will end up slaying them they are kind of suggesting they should be treated like cigarettes. Sort of. For now anyways.

Having never used a tanning bed I assume they are used less frequently than an average soers daily trip to a corner store for a fresh pack of cigarettes. I also assume they are cheap because they are in every mall, strip mall, high street, town, city, village, hamlet, berg, gypsy camp and prison canteen. Aside from not being thrown out into the street like a hobo whenever they choose to use their cancer causing tanning bed like us smokers it certainly seems to be as common as smoking used to be. They must also leave one hell of a carbon footprint. Cranking up a pretend supernova must use a shitload of electricity.

(This tan session caused the 2003 blackout)

One thing the Cancer Society doesn’t do, besides not actually curing any cancer is suddenly make an announcement about a big problem with a new cancer very often. They also never ever evn think about making it out to be more dangerous than smoking cigarettes unless it is a very big deal because cigarettes make them a lot of money so they can continue raising funds and not curing any actual cancer.

Likening tanning beds radiation to plutonium and mustard gas isn’t a small statement, even from the people who don’t actually cure any cancer. This is going to cost health care systems globally (well, the ones the ones that have tanning beds anyways) a shitload of money treating these people who choose to use tanning beds so they can pretend to look healthy.

(I thought Jimmy Carter was Mr Peanut)

Since people who choose to pretend to be healthy are going to end up being a greater burden on governments health care systems globally because of mustard gas and plutonium enriched cancers, as well as sucking the planet dry with a colossal energy consumption rate so they can fire up their fake ‘n bake ovens then they should have to pay the same taxes and tariffs that us vilified smokers have to pay, complete with barf inducing warning labels.

(Somebody please tell me teeth whitening also causes cancer, or at least sterility)

Pretending to look and be healthy is a massive industry, regardless if it is for people, the planet or even morality. It turns out that in many cases while pretending to be healthy, green and fit it is giving people cancer which will cost all of us. Even those of us who choose to smoke.

Pretend healthy choices are the new green which are the new orange which are the new cost to everyone. Case in point.

(Kittens, if your food comes in a BUCKET, it ain’t healthy)

Grilled KFC. If I believed in a lord I’d be sacrificing a virgin right now to save us all.

We’ve talked about the evils of fast food here at the Mighty Keep Your Coins. This is another example of a bad idea pretending to be good for us all killing more people and costing the taxpayer money. Grilled fast food loaded with nitrates, preservatives and every other manner of horror is NOT GOOD FOR YOU. It’s crap. It also comes from Kentucky which should be a tip off to even the dumbest person on earth.

Here are a few hints if your food isn’t exactly as good for you as it advertises.

If it comes on a stick, in a bucket, is delivered through a window, can be found in the frozen section at a grocery store, has a Hollywood film promotion attached to it, is packaged in plastic and especially more plastic than the actual meal, is sold with a toy, has the words “may contain” on the label, has a label with more than four ingredients listed, is sold to you by a person in a costume, can remain unspoiled for days upon a time, uses the word “dunkin” in it’s name, has a slogan, commercial, spokes model, flair, is available at truck stops, can’t fit onto the roof or a car because of portion size, is part of the main event at an eating contest, has a mascot, has a super size option or now offers a “healthy alternative” on it’s menu board.

(Mc Ike)

These retail outlets also offer healthy alternatives for people who want to pretend to be healthy. The bulk of their trade is marketed to kids and is proven to cause diabetes at best, cancer and certain obesity. You can get a tan in a can and go have yourself a trough of fast food so you can pretend to be healthy and you will never be taxed or vilified the same way a smoker is, and you can still even do it a a minor.

Healthy alternatives, and pretend health are overwhelmingly killing people, and costing those of us tough enough to continue living more and more money, even when we are forced outside to live.

Taxes, warning labels and regulations on the dealers aren’t being levied and the people who continue to sell these products make sure they have a battalion of lobbyists to make sure it stays that way for now.

I’m going to continue smoking, as a matter of fact I’m going to have one as soon as I have finished writing this. I’ll enjoy it and soon enough need to go buy more. My taxes will be collected and I will probably die before I get to benefit from them. The warning labels will tell me what I giant asshole I am for choosing to smoke which I will ignore even though I know it is there.

The one thing that will give me some comfort though is that the person down the street who will walk past me sneering fresh out of the tanning salon all lovely and orange on their way to a Burger King will die before me, all because they wanted to pretend to be something I am not. Healthy and politically correct.

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~ by jeff on July 29, 2009.