Cracker Barrel
Kittens, I really really didn’t plan to make this a theme this week, but sometimes you just have to play the cards the way they are dealt. It’s just that I need somebody to sit me down and explain to me in deep forensic detail so I can finally have some concrete answers and exidence as to why, oh mercy why………are Americans just so god damned fucked up?
(Me vs Them)
Before I even get warm Kittens, give this a read.
HEADLINE
“Purity ring iPhone App goes on sale
Young people are now able to take a vow of abstinence on their mobiles with the launch of a purity ring iPhone App by Apple.
The rings are widely worn by Christian students in the United States as public commitments against premarital sex, but this is believed to be the first digital version.
Users of the Apple iPhone and iPod Touch who buy the application take a “purity pledge” on their device, after which a spinning silver ring is displayed on the screen.
The makers hope that it will attract tech-savvy young people to the benefits of refraining from sex until marriage, although it is intended to complement rather than replace existing purity ceremonies at churches.
The application, which was released on Tuesday, is available for $0.99 from the official App Store. It features settings for both genders.
The PurityRing iPhone App is the brainchild of Island Wall Entertainment, which describes itself as the leading Christian iPhone App development agency.
“This is an exciting opportunity to reach a whole new generation of people, on a platform that has never been used to spread this important message,” said Henry E Bennett, director of the firm.”
You should know Kittens is that the Mighty Keep Your Coins compound is taking steps to eliminate this latest foolish atrocity from the culture vacuum and we have deployed the most cunning and sly bandito ever to grace the world stage of advanced burglary and pick pocketry. You know who I am talking about Kittens, so give our boy a round of applause as we send him on his mission……
(Ryan, pick pocket extraordinaire, and ruthless bookie)
Ryan is clearly the best person for this mission. He moves like a weasel, the mind of a celeron chip and his hands that are quicker than a hurricane. Just the other day I personally witnessed him steal a mans RACE. In half a second I saw him turn this man..
(We’re often mistaken for each other)
….into this man.
(Often confused for Alex)
Kittens the purity ring and now the purity ring iPhone application are just another example of what it takes to amuse, confuse, distract and mollify the average honky American. Thankfully I’ve sent Ryan out into the world to steal it.
This is all it takes for a teenage to convince their parents that they are pure. 99 cents of their parents money and they get themselves a flashy new application so that their parents are convinced that they will never ever ever touch another persons sexy bits until they are married, ad even then they will only do it the proper American christian way. Missionary position, once a week filled with shame and guilt until they breed more christian Americans.
It just doesn’t take a whole lot to make Americans happy, or to fool them. Throw them some kibble, and just like a handful of dog treats, they will sit up and beg for more. A fucking purity ring iPhone application.
Lets consider for a moment today Kittens what else it takes to make white America happy shall we? Oooooohh my….yes let’s.
(The honky bible)
White folks looooooove Ikea. I don’t mean love it like they do with their children, I mean actually love it. They love how clean it is. Some of them even enjoy putting it together so they can feel like they built something, and possibly even went on a vacation to somewhere exotic when they see an umlaut in the directions. Americans are still slightly still suspicious about Ikea because it is Swedish so they aren’t quite sure if they are the enemy or not, or even where Sweden is, but they know it isn’t a state in America so therefor it must be at least a little bit evil. Besides, if it isn’t in America that probably mean god doesn’t even visit there.
(He only went there for the donkey show and the whores)
American white people also love going to church. It makes them feel all good inside when they accept jesus and pray to a kind and merciful god.
Oh..umm…..
“Stand in silence in the presence of the Sovereign LORD, for the awesome day of the LORD’s judgment has come. The LORD has prepared his people for a great slaughter and has chosen their executioners. “On that day of judgment,” says the LORD, “I will punish the leaders and princes of Judah and all those following pagan customs. Yes, I will punish those who participate in pagan worship ceremonies, and those who steal and kill to fill their masters’ homes with loot. “On that day,” says the LORD, “a cry of alarm will come from the Fish Gate and echo throughout the newer Mishneh section of the city. And a great crashing sound will come from the surrounding hills. Wail in sorrow, all you who live in the market area, for all who buy and sell there will die. “I will search with lanterns in Jerusalem’s darkest corners to find and punish those who sit contented in their sins, indifferent to the LORD, thinking he will do nothing at all to them. They are the very ones whose property will be plundered by the enemy, whose homes will be ransacked. They will never have a chance to live in the new homes they have built. They will never drink wine from the vineyards they have planted. “That terrible day of the LORD is near. Swiftly it comes – a day when strong men will cry bitterly. It is a day when the LORD’s anger will be poured out. It is a day of terrible distress and anguish, a day of ruin and desolation, a day of darkness and gloom, of clouds, blackness, trumpet calls, and battle cries. Down go the walled cities and strongest battlements! “Because you have sinned against the LORD, I will make you as helpless as a blind man searching for a path. Your blood will be poured out into the dust, and your bodies will lie there rotting on the ground.” Your silver and gold will be of no use to you on that day of the LORD’s anger. For the whole land will be devoured by the fire of his jealousy. He will make a terrifying end of all the people on earth. (Zephaniah 1:7:18 NLT)”
(Electricity comes from electrons, and morality comes from morons)
Gee that was uncomfortable wasn’t it?
There are a few Americans who don’t willingly place the bit in their mouths once a week and trot out to church who say they believe in god or call themselves “spiritual.” Many of these people can usually be found with a yoga mat strapped to them and enjoy saying things like “Well I don’t know what it is, but I believe in something so I have my own religion.”
Obviously these modern day Philo of Alexandria’s have put endless thought and dedication to something as serious and consuming as answers to the origin of our species in the usual white American way.
One thing white Americans with the exception of New Yorkers which is only American by default anyways love as well is politeness. They enjoy saying things like “have a nice day” and “god bless you” when they sneeze all over each others faces.
(Amen)
They want everything to be polite, unoffensive and politically correct. If their feelings get hurt, or they worry that somebody somewhere somehow might one day possibly think about maybe consider saying something impolite or offensive, they run and scamper to their congressman and make sure nobody ever says anything again ever.
(White people break dancing)
The one thing they aren’t polite about however is how much they love food. I’ve written about this many times in length and it never gets old or boring to me. There are two thing white Americans will fight you to the death for. Food and television. If you try to take the gigantic television sets that they collect away from them, they will eat you like an Argentinian football team.
(Yup, it’s real Kittens)
White Americans love to eat white people things. They adore it.
(You are what you eat)
You can’t find anything more white and American than light beer. It is inoffensive, watered down, tasteless and in typical white American style, you have to consume lot’s of it for it to finally make you feel good.
(Mmmmm……bad breath and makes you piss a lot, but without that pesky nice buzz)
Nothing is is more white and American than consuming as much light beer as possible by an adult human mammal, than to do it while watching sports so naturally white people have their very own that they are grateful other ethnic groups haven’t really invaded and spoiled for them yet.
(Is that a taco?)
There aren’t many sports that minorities haven’t surpassed white Americans in regarding level of skill except for possible hockey which is only interesting when it is cold, golf which is only interesting when you are out for a walk and bicycle racing. Sadly as mentioned in the previous blog Americans are so terrified of bicycles that they think if they ride one they might catch AIDS or become muslim, that really only leaves tennis.
(Every man has tried this and only a few ever succeed)
Tennis has everything white people enjoy. You sit down while you are watching it, the rules are easy to understand, it even has the word “love” in it. If a scoring point was called “cock” they wouldn’t enjoy it as much, but due to the fact that you have to play it in private clubs, most of the brown people that are there are fetching thm drinks accept for the rich ones, so they’re okay…..kind of. As long as they don’t buy a house next to a white American.
For many white Americans, you just can’t call yourself white, American or a patriotic white American (as if there are any other kind) unless you own an American made car.
(The Ford Pinto. Made in America. What could go wrong?)
Americans cars are just like light beer to white people. Both aren’t nearly as good as the stuff the Germans make, but they tell everyone who will listen which is only ever themselves that American beer and cars are the best in the world. They consume as much of both as possible and when they are driving down the street in their American car enjoy several American light beers white Americans think that they are making the Statue of Liberty smile with pride.
(I bet their god didn’t see this one coming)
On the rare occasions white Americans make it all the way to a destination without hitting anything, many of them go to a white place to relax and frolic without having to exert too much energy unlike the golf course or an all you can eat buffet and head to the beach.
(He is Twittering about how he is at the beach, getting away from the modern world)
You don’t find many minorities at the beach, possibly because of that whole “swimming” thingy, so white Americans love the beach. They love to lie around bathing in their own white juices, they can go and swim around while pestering the creatures that live in the water so they get to feel superior. The best part for white Americans when they go to the beach comes when they get to do their very bestest super-duper ain’t it great to be a cracker activity. They get to hang out with other white Americans.
Races tend to like to hang out with each other. It is how humanity is hard wired. Humans need familiarity so people tend to stick together, or at the very least feel slightly more comfortable with their own kind. That isn’t to be confused with being a bigot or not liking other races or ethnic groups, it is as simple as sports fans who support the same team tend to sit together and wear the jerseys.
White Americans however take this notion to a modern day level all their own. I’m not suggesting that they are Klansmen or anything, but when it comes to making sure that they have enough private clubs that only allow the right kind of white American to join and participate in, white Americans finally have something to claim to be the world leader in.
Fraternities, sailing clubs, golf clubs, lodges, unions, members only clubs, cigar smoking clubs, private functions, curling clubs, swim clubs, hospitals and on and on and fucking on.
White Americans went so far to make sure that they spent most of their lives surrounded by same-thinking other white Americans they came up with the ultimate impermeable white American that they could possibly dream up in white American style.
(Ummm…..nope, that’s the OTHER America)
No my Kittens, the REAL white American club…..America itself.
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