The Comfort Wipe

Kittens, in order to understand the full and complete gravity of today’s article, you need to watch the following video. I urge you to prepare a pale so you place to deposit your excrement.

That as you now know my Kittens, is the Comfort Wipe, and it exists because North Americans are literally too fat to wipe their own asses. Congratulations people, job well done. Now hopefully you will understand why many countries around the world hate us so much.

This Kittens, is an American.

(Latin; amplus ego pinguis bestia)

This is why he now needs to spend 20 bucks on a Comfort Wipe for himself, and probably one for every member of his family, plus a few extras for guests.

(Latin; publicus hostilis numerus unus)

We need to make something perfectly clear before we get the lard rolling today Kittens. This isn’t about bashing anybody for their life choices, size or appearance. This is about public health, access to information, why some vices are banned while others are marketed to children and death. If any of you are tempted to mash your enormous sausage like fingers angrily on your keyboard and send me some angry emails, then all I ask is that you go for a walk so you can think it through and sweat some of the chicken gravy out of your system first.

We all know how pouty Americans get if things aren’t ridiculously large.

(This is a parking lot in Kentucky during a Boxing Day sale)

We are also frequently reminded about just how far they are willing to go to protect the “American Way Of Life.”

(This is why other countries hate you people)

The American Way Of Life is all about enormous, vast insanely indulgent toys to play with.

(Some things are difficult to criticise, even for me)

Americans also don’t quite understand the difference between themselves and the rest of the world.

(Europe vs America)

As long as their way of life is preserved and passed on to future generations, then Americans feel that their lives haven’t been wasted, because they believe in the sanctity of human life.

(This is the ‘No Child Left Behind’ policy hard at work)

Just not in the same kind of way the rest of us feel about human life. They have a style all their own, bless their American hearts.

(It takes some balls to allow this to happen)

(It takes some very small ones not to take these children away and place them in foster homes)

(Americans want live babies so they can grow up to be dead soldiers)

So Kittens, what do we think about lumpy doughy American gluttony now?

(This is the ‘Our Readers Respond’ section of the blog)

Yep, that seems about right.

So Kittens let’s talk about access to information for a moment shall we?

(This is the American Dictionary)

You can’t watch 5 entire minutes of television without some shambolic pretend charity rattling their cup of guilt and shame begging for your money and support. A.A. has a campaign airing on television right now that attempt anyone that drinks into a deep dark cave, otherwise known as an A.A. meeting in the basement of a church.

There are commercials as well as popular television shows for people that have gotten themselves foolishly deep into debt, campaigns and shows for people who gamble too much and and there is the war on drugs for people who like to get high, and there is plenty of money being made by the people who try to shame and creep you out from having a good time.

(Now)

(Then)

These advertisements and failing wars against the drug trade are designed to accomplish two things. Make as much money as possible or the pretend charities who’s vice of yours they seek to strip away from you and control your mind, and as well to create the illusion that the government is acting on behalf of the public health. They warn you about gambling but then open casinos.

There are news pieces about obesity and the healthy care system, and there are plenty of people selling their weight loss formulas and diets on television, but there are no public service commercials or pretend charities that claim to inform you about the dangers of over eating. The most aptly named television show ever created is called “The Biggest Loser” and that is about as close as you can come to finding any information that should be public knowledge.

This is how corporations market their diseases to your children.

(Happy Meal! Toys! Diabeties!)

This is what it would look like if they were only allowed to market to intelegent informed adults.

(The wiener isn’t on the menu)

Children have no clue about the conspiracy to keep them addled, obese, slow moving and slower thinking. Parents can’t be bothered to inform them and the governments of the west have thrown entire generations to the wolves so that they are easily manipulated and controlled by vices of THEIR choosing.

(Does this horrifying image look a little too familiar?)

So what do the parents and the American public think about all of this?

(He already had a large lunch, so he ordered the smallest size available)

They are too busy going to church and the drive thru, that’s what.

(Actually, it does kinda look rather tasty doesn’t it? IF YOU’RE A FUCKING GIANT)

Kittens as regular readers you know that I smoke roughly 400 cigarettes per day and I love them. I know that they will more than likely kill me partially because I’m not an idiot and also because it says so right on the packaging.

I drink like a football hooligan every day and I understand that it too may harm me, and that some people think drinking is a sin and I am killing the baby jesus with every bottle of Stoli I buy because they won’t shut the fuck up about it in their commercials. I also understand that commercials cost a great deal of money to make and buy television to time so these people have an interest in recruiting newly sober obedient followers who give them money, much the same way religion does. This is why you never see an atheist infomercial or program asking you for your money. We’re too busy spending out or money on cigarettes and booze and enjoying our time here on earth and experiencing life.

You never EVER see a commercial about the dangers of food, and you will certainly never see one of these with a warning label on it about the risks associated with this particular consumer vice.

(They also come in large an extra large in case you worked up an appetite walking from your car to the restaurant)

We all know the dangers of an unhealthy diet, and where it can lead.

(This kid should be on the American One Dollar bill)

If you are a grown up who makes informed choices to indulge yourself with something that you enjoy and you understand the risks, then good for you and we should all enjoy a nice meal together sometime to celebrate life, even the parts where we over do it.

(Don’t tell the poor people….they might ask us to share, or something equally un-American)

If you are a child, or the parents of children and don’t understand that by inhaling fast food as often as you can until you you can’t even wipe your own asshole clean and need to spend some more money on your credit card at 18% interest for some Comfort Wipes, and the rest of us are forced out into the streets to smoke when we go to a bar to drink and are surrounded by warning labels, then my Kittens you may want to ask yourself a simple question.

If the governments pretends to worry about one kind of health and not another, then is it at all possible that the reason might be because a smoker will linger on and require expensive treatment for their lifestyle choices. People who are obese tend to depart this world early as well, but don’t require as much treatment. One day you are polishing off your third bucket of chicken, and then you die of a heart attack on the toilet, probably while wiping your ass with a Comfort Wipe.

It’s easy, it’s cheap, and the government doesn’t have to pay out a pension because rather than living a healthy life for 90 years, you died at 55 on the can.

Just a thought.

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~ by jeff on June 21, 2009.